290 Word Jokes That Are So Punny!

Why do the nurses at the blood donation clinic have autocorrect turned off?

Because they always want more type-os!

Autocorrect has saved my sanity

I'm the typo person that hates grammatical errors!

Why can’t we get a smartphone that can properly autocorrect in/on?

It’s really starting to get in my nerves!

I believe autocorrect was invented by history's most famous scientist

Albeit Einstein would disagree!

Selling an improved autocorrect?

Shut up and take my monkey!

When you turn off auto correct

ALL LOPE IS HOST!

I heard the creator of autocorrect went to the doctor...

I didn’t even know he was I’ll!

I hate autocorrect

It makes me say things I didn't Nintendo!

The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn

He orders a bear!

What's Autocorrect's blood type?

Typo negative!

It means no worries
For the rest of your days

Haiku na Mattatta!

I feel like we should all cut the guy who invented autocorrect some slack

I'm sure he moans we'll!

Why don't vampires use autocorrect?

Because they love Type Os!

The man who invented autocorrect has sadly passed away

The funfair is nest work!

If autocorrect were really smart, it would know when I meant gave or have

*have or gave!

I hit a clown car. I got 10 counts of manslaughter

Bah! Autocorrect. I meant man's laughter. Everyone was fine!

I had a really good joke...

But autocorrect ruined the lunchtime!

How can you tell that the sea is friendly?

It gives everyone a wave!

What do you call a seagull that lives near a bay?

A bagel!

What do you call very small waves crashing into the shore?

Micro-waves!

How do you make an octopus laugh?

With TEN-tickles!

What are the lowest musical notes in the ocean? 

Sea bass!

Were those catfish?

Or just purr-maids?

Why did the scuba diver bring a mop? 

To clean up the sea floor!

This weekend a red ship and a blue ship collided at sea...

All the sailors were marooned!

Did you hear about the oven dishes that sailed the seven seas?

They were the Pyrex of the Caribbean!

The temple of the giant sea cow has recently been rebuilt...

Faith in huge manatee restored!

Do you know why the sea is salty?

It's because land never waved back!

Why does no one swim in the western coast of South America?

Because the water is Chile!

I just bought a house in France, on the southern coast...

It's very Nice!

I want to take a cruise around the coast of Norway...

But can I afjord it?

What did the coast guard say to the three captured whales?

Whale, whale, whale...

You wanna sell seashells by the seashore?

Well that’s a lot easier done than said!

Does the sea change colour if you pour orange soda into it?

No, that's just Fanta. See?

What did the Sea Urchin say to the Sea Cucumber?

With fronds like these, who needs anenomies?

What should you do if you can't stop going to the seaside?

Sea kelp!

I went to the seaside and didn't want to go with my friends on this long wooden platform...

But I bowed to pier pressure!

What do you call an archaeologist who complains all the time?

Indiana Moans!

Who is Indiana Jones' daughter?

Fedora the Explorer!

What sort of facts does Indiana Jones love?

Arti-facts!

What do you call a skeleton in a fedora?

Indiana Bones!

What did Indiana Jones call his shoe shop?

The Last Cru-suede!

What do you get when you cross Indiana Jones and a Venn Diagram?

Comparison Ford!

What kind of necklace does Indiana Jones wear?

An Indy-pendant!

What did Indiana Jones call his pet shop?

Raider of the Lost Bark!

What did Indiana Jones call his dishware shop?

The Kingdom of the Crystal Bowl!

Why was Indiana Jones scared of the car?

It had a windshield viper!

How many 'd's are in Indiana Jones?

42! -Dah dah da-da, dah dah daaaahh....

What did Indiana Jones call his cleaning supply shop?

The Temple of Broom!

What's Indiana Jones' least favourite comedy troupe?

Monty Python!

What did Indiana Jones say when he got stuck in quicksand?

'I've got a sinking feeling'

Why was Indiana Jones sad?

His career was in ruins!

What is Indiana Jones least favourite band?

The Rolling Stones!

Why do Indiana Jones find it hard to get a girlfriend?

Bad dates!

What does Indiana Jones put in his cakes?

Whipped cream!

What singing competition did Indiana Jones go on?

Pop Idol!

What do you call Indiana Jones when he has a bad hair day?

The Comb Raider!

Did you hear about the beakers that sailed the seven seas?

They were the Pyrex of the Caribbean!

What sort of pictures do elves take?

Elfies!

What do monsters eat for breakfast?

Unicorn flakes!

Where do mummies go on holiday?

The Dead Sea!

What do vegetarian zombies eat?

Graaaiinns!

What do fairies drink?

Sprite!

Why are Vampires bad at art?

They can only draw blood!

What's big, green, and always gets great marks at school?

An ogre-achiever!

What sort of magic creature do you find in the kitchen?

A hob goblin!

What detergent do mermaids use?

Tide!

Where do mermaids keep their money?

In a river bank!

What do you call an elf who works for himself?

Elf employed!

What do you call a fantasy creature that eats too much junk food?

A bad Hobbit!

Why are Hobbits so bad at boxing?

They always try to destroy the ring!

What do dragon architects make?

Scale models!

What sort of comedy do fauns like?

Satyr!

Where do centaurs buy their clothes?

Topman!

What's a dragon's favourite fancy meal?

Flaming yawn!

What smells and collects money at bridges?

A trollbooth!

What does Nessie order at the chippie?

Fish and ships!

What do you call a gnome who lives in the city?

A metronome!

Why did the crypto trader buy a ladder?

He heard Bitcoin was on the rise!

“Here’s a joke… crypto profits!” “I don’t get it.”

“Me either!”

Why should you only buy cryptocurrency during the day?

If you don’t, it’ll become your crypto-night!

After months of careful investment, I finally have six figures in cryptocurrency…

£10.0001!

How do you know if someone has been dabbling with cryptocurrency?

 Don’t worry, they’ll tell you!

How does a cryptocurrency enthusiast open his front door?

With a private key!

“Dad, I need £10 in cryptocurrency!”

“£9.71? What do you need £10.33 for?!”

Where does Santa Claus keep his cryptocurrency?

In a cold wallet!

The crypto market is a place where two types of people meet in the morning: people with experience in trading and people with money…

 At the end of the day they swap places and go home!

What do you call a horror series about Bitcoin?

Tales from the Cryptocurrency!

Why didn’t Superman attend the evening conference on Bitcoin?

It was crypto-night!

Cryptocurrency really brought my family together…

We live in a one-bedroom flat now!

How many cryptocurrency miners does it take to change a lightbulb?

All of them – one to do it and the rest to verify he did it!

Why did the hipster crypto miner burn out his GPU?

He was mining before it was cool!

What’s the best way to get a crypto enthusiast off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza!

What’s the difference between getting married and investing in cryptocurrency?

If your marriage fails, you’ll only lose half your money!

Why do crypto investors not trust the butcher?

He has no proof of steak!

I have a great joke about cryptocurrency…

But it takes too much energy to get it!

Who are the worst guests at a dinner party?

Vegan cryptocurrency owners!

How do you get £1,000 in cryptocurrency?

Invest £10,000!

Accidently burned dinner on the grill

Missteaks were made!

What do you call a zombified piece of burnt toast?

The un-bread!

Why don’t people eat toast with Jesus’ face burnt into it?

I bet it tastes divine!

Don't cry over burnt toast

That would just make it soggy!

My kids said they wanted to hear my joke about burnt toast

I told them it was too dark!

A dermatologist was studying new remedies for itchy skin, but his lab burnt down…

Now he has to start from scratch!

Did you hear about the hipster that burnt her tongue?

She sipped her coffee before it was cool!

My doctor advised me against eating very burnt bread

I’m black toast intolerant!

What do you call a burnt submarine?

A toasted sub!

A local cartoonist's bakery has burnt down

Police say that details are sketchy!

I went to 3 different chip shops and all the food was burnt!

Then I realized it’s Black Fryday!

Dad I burnt the restaurant down, am I in trouble?

"You arson!"

My friend burnt our steaks earlier.

They weren't even well done, they were congratulations!

My dad's bread factory burnt down

Now his business is toast!

I burnt 1200 calories yesterday!

Forgot to take the pizza out of the oven...

What do you call heavily burnt pasta?

Al Dante!

Why shouldn’t you make jokes about tofu?

They're tasteless!

Why was the teenage tofu so rebellious?

He just wasn’t braised right!

How did the tofu know his way around the city so well?

He had a Mapo it!

What do you call farm animals who love tofu?

Agadasheep!

Why was the patient so happy when his doctor prescribed tofu?

He had bean curd!

How does Spanish tofu introduce itself?

“Soy beans!”

What does Cher say to vegans?

“I Got Tofu, Babe!”

What is a tofu’s favourite chat-up line?

“You look soy fine!”

How did the vegan quit smoking?

He went cold tofu!

What do you call vegan foot-based martial arts?

Toe-fu!

What’s a good name for a tofu hot dog brand?

Not Dog!

What is tofu’s favourite drink?

Soy-da!

How should you cook tofu?

First make sure it’s the right tempeh-rature!

“Doctor doctor, I just can’t get my tofu to taste right! Will I ever be a chef?”

“Well, don’t let it stand in your whey!”

Why did the man give up eating tofu?

It just wasn’t meating his expectations!

Why are tofu jokes blasphemous?

They’re a work of seitan!

What do you call a tofu post-punk band?

Soy Division!

I can’t wait to try this tofu dish…

I’m beyond ex-soy-ted!

Why did the tofu cross the road?

To prove it wasn’t chicken!

I’ve finally come to the realisation that tofu is overrated…

It’s just a curd to me!

Why did the pretzel call the police?

He was a-salted!

What do you call a scared pretzel?

Afraid knot!

Why is it called a pretzel?

Because it's knot bread!

What do you call a bakery that only sells pretzels, doughnuts and bagels?

Hole Foods!

What happened when the detective accused a pretzel of murder?

It was an unexpected twist!

Why should ever bakery have pretzels?

They are always kneaded!

Why is nervous bread like a pretzel?

It's tied in knots!

I'm not sure you'll like this pretzel joke...

It's pretty twisted!

Why should you never be rude to a pretzel?

They get in-salted!

What did one pretzel say to the other?

'Don't be salty!'

Why did the baker make pretzels?

He kneaded the dough!

Want to hear a pretzel joke?

Never mind, it's a bit stale

How do you greet a pretzel?

'Gluten tag!'

What did the bread say to the pretzel?

'You're the best thing since me!'

What should give a pretzel for Valentine's day?

Flours!

What do pretzels do when they need a job?

They join the bread line!

How do pretzels feel when they're sad?

Crummy!

What did the pretzel say to the bread?

'Don't be so kneady!'

How did pretzels first come to America?

On the Mayflour!

What's a pretzel's favourite dance move?

The twist!

What do you get with a bag of popcorn?

Free butterfingers!

What is popcorn's favourite movie?

In-the-pan-dance Day!

I don't like movie theater butter popcorn...

it leaves a film in my mouth!

Why did the popcorn want to press charges?

Because it was a-salt-ed!

Where do they grow popcorn?

In the mountains, because that’s where the ears are popping!

What does corn use to get on the internet?

The cobweb!

Who is the head of corn religion?

The pope corn!

Why did the manager fire the popcorn?

Cause he was sleeping on the cob!

Popcorn makes everything better

It's a-maize-ing like that!

I got thrown out of the cinema for throwing popcorn at the back of people's heads

I also lost my job behind the popcorn counter!

I wonder if the first person to pop popcorn suddenly had the urge to...

...Watch a movie!

Why is cheddar popcorn such a terrible joke?

It's both corny and cheesy!

What’s the highest rank in the popcorn army?

Colonel!

What did the popcorn kernel say when it found itself attached to another kernel?

I'm a little corn-fused!

I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater

It's ok though, it still saved me money!

My local movie theater was robbed of almost $10,000

The thieves got away with three boxes of popcorn, two large sodas and a hotdog!

Who invented Popcorn Chicken?

Kernel Sanders!

It's awkward touching hands with someone in a popcorn bag

Especially if they don't know you're eating their popcorn!

My son has a great recipe for popcorn stuffed duck

He calls it Quacker Jacks!

What is Prince’s favourite smoothie?

A raspberry puree!

What happened when the inventor of the fruit smoothie passed away?

They berried him!

Why did the strawberry turn red?

Because the blender had a crush on it!

What do you call a very charming banana?

A banana smoothie!

What do you call a bedtime smoothie?

Pajamba Juice!

I made a smoothie by blending a bunch of F5 keys together…

It was really refreshing!

What do you do when your fruit business goes into liquidation?

Start a smoothie business!

If tomatoes are a fruit…

Then ketchup is a smoothie!

What do you get when you cross an Indian smoothie with a rough collie?

Mango Lassie!

What does a cannibal like to put in his smoothies?

A blended family!

What do you put in a smoothie that makes you sad?

Melon-Cauli!

Why didn’t the police arrest the smoothie?

Because it was Innocent!

What’s green then red?

A frog in a smoothie machine!

What do you get if you cross a horse and a watermelon?

A very strange-tasting smoothie!

What do you call someone who steals a fruit drink?

A smoothie criminal!

What do you call a Greek monster who works in a smoothie bar?

Mejuicea!

Why are chameleons so good at making smoothies?

They’re great at blending in!

Why was the smoothie in trouble?

He got mixed in with a few bad apples!

What’s the opposite of a smoothie?

A chunky!

Why is it so easy to work at a smoothie shop?

You’ll always blend in!

What does oat milk do for fun?

It goes on an oating!

What do sailors put in their coffee?

Boat milk!

What do you get if you mix milk and a weasel?

Stoat milk!

What's the difference between dairy free milk and cows milk?

They're oatily different!

What do medieval peasants put in their tea?

Groat milk!

Have you tried any dairy free milks?

They're oat of this world!

What do the French serve with coffee to warm it up?

'Oat' milk!

Why is an oat milk latte dairy free?

Because it's withoat milk!

My friend keeps trying to get me to use oat milk instead of cows milk

How dairy!

I hate oat milk

It's BARLEY milk at all!

What do you get if you take a 'g' away from goat milk?

Oat milk!

Why is oat milk so great?

It's the cream of the crop!

I tried replacing my oat milk with dairy milk once...

It was an udder disaster!

Why did the snake drink oat milk?

It was lack-toes intolerant!

Do you think oat milk is good because its dairy free?

No whey!

Why did the dairy milk have to leave?

It got oated out!

Why do most people prefer dairy milk?

Have you ever tried to milk an oat??

Why should you never put oat milk on your corn flakes?

You might become a cereal killer!

Why do suffragettes only drink oat milk?

Because they want oats for women!

What's an oat's favourite dance?

The milk shake!

I refused to eat oatmeal as a child

I was an inporridgeable brat!

What do you call couture porridge?

Haute-meal!

I bought a coffee in Scotland. I asked “hey, can I get a latte with oat milk?"

Confused, he looked at me and said: "Sorry, we cannae make a latte withoot milk!"

Eating porridge I just dropped on the floor is fine

It's the 5 Second Gruel!

What does a duck like to have for breakfast?

Quacker Oats!

Did you hear about the horse who had to go to court?

The judge reminded him he was under oats!

If you take goat milk into space

...it becomes oat milk!

What does a sailor have for breakfast?

Boatmeal!

A Dairy farmer got into the healthy milk business

He barley made ends meet!

The Scottish are rebranding their national dishes

Porridge will now be known as a Highland Smoothie!

What do you get when you mix curry and porridge?

Courage!

What do you eat for breakfast when you can’t afford oatmeal?

Pooridge!

I only eat certain types of oatmeal cookies

Why? I have my raisins.

I took pictures of wheat, oats, rice, and corn...

But they all came out grainy! One of them you could barley make out!

I can't seem to grow oats or barley in the mountains where I live

No plains no grains!

You can't have oatmeal twice in a row

It's called oatmeal, not oatmeals!

I seriously overcooked my oatmeal this morning

Eating it was pretty grueling!

Me and a couple of friends are arguing how to get out of the grain silo

We're all in the same oat!

What do you call an eggplant that just turned 13?

An auber-teen!

Knowledge is knowing that an aubergine is a fruit…

Wisdom is not using it in a fruit salad!

What do you call a cross between an orange and an eggplant?

Aubertangerine!

How do vegetables protect themselves against sunburn?

By using auber-sunscreen!

What do you call an eggplant that just took a bath?

Auber-clean!

What do fashionable vegetables wear?

Auber-jeans!

What do you call a vegetable who’s also a superhero?

Auber-Wolverine!

Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs?

From eggplants!

Where do chickens produce electricity?

In an eggplant!

Why was the eggplant afraid?

It had a bad auber-dream!

What did the aubergine say to the chef?

“You’re really grilling me here!”

What socks do you need to plant aubergines?

Garden hose!

What’s the funniest vegetable?

The auber-meme!

What’s the smartest vegetable?

The auber-genius!

Did you ever hear about the chickenplant?

Well, maybe you heard about the eggplant first…

What do you call a terrified eggplant?

Auber-scream!

What’s the difference between aubergine and bogeys?

 Children will actually eat bogeys!

What do you get if you rub an eggplant?

An auber-genie!

How do vegetables travel?

By Uber-gine!

What do you call an eco-friendly eggplant?

An auber-green!

What do you call it when it's raining vegetables?

A kale storm!

What vegetable do rich people eat?

Ups-kale!

How do vegetables travel?

By kale-way!

Why did the kale go to the beach?

To get some vitamin sea!

What did the kale say to the celery?

Stop stalking me!

What do you get if you mix Carly Rae Jepson and vegetables?

Kale Me Maybe!

How do you weigh a vegetable?

Put it on the skales!

What do you call a story about a beautiful vegetable princess?

A fairy kale!

Have you heard about the movie about veg starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks?

You've Got Kale!

Why did the kale blush?

It saw the salad dressing!

Where does kale come from?

Kaledonia!

What did the kale say at the concert?

Lettuce rock!

Where do vegetables work?

In a kale centre!

What's green and lives in the sea?

Killer kale!

Why is kale so loyal?

It will never leaf!

What does a witch cook her vegetables in?

A kaledron!

Is it a good idea to pick a fight with kale?

No, just leaf it!

How did the kale go to space?

In a rocket ship!

What do you call a dance for Scottish vegetables?

A kaley!

How does kale hitch hike?

With a green thumb!

What do you have if you pick 3.14 blueberries?

Blueberry pi!

My girlfriend was making breakfast while playing music and she asked if I liked Pearl Jam

No thanks, I prefer blueberry!

Why does fruit dislike being preserved?

The process is jarring!

Cherry pie in Jamaica - $4.25
Blueberry pie in Cuba - $3.50

Those are some of the pie-rates of the Caribbean!

Someone broke into my house and replaced all my stone fruit with blueberries

I am peachless!

What do you call research involving Eggs, blueberries and Polos?

An Eggs-Berry-Mint!

What do you call a blueberry that studies the night before a test?

A cram-berry!

What do you call a berry patch on a windy day?

Blewberries!

Why can't blueberry bagels fly?

Because then they would be plane bagels!

Whenever I make blueberry muffins, I make sure one muffin is just batter

I like to play Muffin Roulette!

I really like cooking blueberries with sugar

I know many people disagree with me. But that's my jam!

What do you call blueberries, raspberries and strawberries inside of a hidden chest?

Berried Treasure!

What do you get if you drink blueberry juice?

Bluetooth!

Blueberry bushes are one of the least productive plants

All their effort bear little fruit!

A blueberry laughed at a strawberry’s accent

That was berry rude of him!

What do you call a blueberry that doesn't tell the truth?

A Library!

A chemical in blueberries stimulates mental activity

Food for thought!

Why are brownies such good friends?

They’ll never dessert you!

What do you call a sad brownie?

A frownie!

What do you call a brownie who likes to live life dangerously?

A real whisk-taker!

Brownies can be part of a balanced diet…

Just hold one in each hand!

Why did the cake behave so well at school?

It wanted brownie points!

What did one brownie say to the other?

“I’m batter off with you!”

What happened when the ice cream met the warm brownie?

The ice cream had a meltdown!

What did the brownie say to the fork?

“You want a piece of me?”

There are two types of people in this world…

People who love brownies, and liars!

How is a baseball team like a brownie?

They both depend on a good batter!

Why did the computer programmer put his brownies back in the oven?

They were too GUI!

I just burned 3,000 calories…

That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap!