290 Word Jokes That Are So Punny!

What role do headteachers play in pantomimes?

The principal boy!

I used to have a job as the front of a pantomime horse...

I quit when I was a head!

Why does Dick Whittington have a beard?

His cat prefers Whiskers!

What's the scariest panto?

Ghoul-dilocks and the Three Bears!

Why was the Pantomime Dame sad?

His career was behind him!

What sort of pet does Aladdin have?

A flying car-pet!

A pantomime horse walks into a bar, and the barman says...

'Why the long faces?'

What do panto actors say when their laces get tangled?

'Oh no, it's knot!'

What do you call a Christmas show about knickers?

A PANT-omime!

What's Cinderella's favourite sweeties?

Chocolate buttons!

Did you hear about the actor playing the cow in Jack and the Beanstalk?

He really milked it!

Why did the panto villain refuse to fight?

He didn't want to make a scene!

Did you hear about the actor who didn't get the part he wanted in Snow White?

He wasn't Happy!

I went into a library and asked for a book about pantomimes

The librarian said 'It's behind you!'

Why was Snow White made a judge?

She's the fairest of them all!

What happened when the Dame kept falling through the floor?

It was just a stage she was going through!

Why do actors always give Christmas presents at pantomimes?

They want some stage presence!

Which panto always takes place in a chemists?

Puss in Boots!

A pantomime horse walks into a bar...

Twice!

Who stars in the fish version of Cinderella?

The Fairy Codmother!

Why did the comma, the colon and the full stop hire a lawyer?

They were due to be sentenced!

What happened when the lawyer sued the airline for losing his baggage?

He lost his case!

Why did the scarecrow become a lawyer?

He was outstanding in his field!

What does a lawyer add to his fizzy drink?

Just-ice!

What sort of cases do skeleton lawyers take?

Pro bone-o!

What do you call a lawyer with who's daughter is married?

A father in law!

What do lawyers wear to court?

Law suits!

What animal always breaks the law?

A cheetah!

What do you call a female lawyer?

Sue!

Why should law jokes be sent to jail?

Because they're so pun-ishing!

When does a lawyer make coffee?

When there is sufficient grounds!

Knock knock. Who's there?

I'm sorry, I can't answer any questions without my lawyer present

What do you call a lawyer who charges a lot?

Bill!

Why didn't Abraham Lincoln need a lawyer?

He was in-a-cent!

When I was accused of being a bad lawyer...

I couldn't defend myself

I used to be a lawyer....

But it lost its appeal!

What did the judge say to the dentist?

'Pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth!'

What happened when the lawyer farted?

The judge said 'Odour in the court!'

Where do lawyers live?

A legal pad!

Why did the judge send the pigeon to jail?

She was a flight risk!

Did you hear about the milk company CEO who was arrested for embezzlement?

Turns out he was skimming some off the top!

Did I ever tell you about the time I stole some milk that someone had left by their window?

It was ledge-end dairy!

Why does milk turn into yoghurt when you take it to a museum?

It becomes cultured!

Did you know that cows produce more milk when farmers talk to them?

It’s a case of “in one ear, and out of the udder!”

What do you call the greatest milk ever made?

Legendairy!

What kind of milk is used to make Swiss cheese?

Hole milk!

I love drinking 2% milk, but I always wonder…

What happened to the other 98%?

What sound does a cow make when it runs out of milk?

None… there’s udder silence!

Where does condensed milk come from?

Very small cows!

Astronaut 1: “I can’t find any milk for my coffee!”

Astronaut 2: “In space, no one can. Here, use cream.”

Why does a milking stool only have three legs?

Because the cow has the udder!

What comes first, cereal or milk?

Neither – it should be bowl first!

What do you call milk that gets given everything it wants?

Spoiled!

Which baseball player holds the milk?

The pitcher!

Why did the skimmed milk fail the test?

He only got 1%!

What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a cow?

A hare in your milk!

What do you get when you cross a duck and a cow?

Milk and quackers!

Cashier: “Would you like your milk in a bag, sir?”

Customer: “No, I’ll keep it in the bottle, thanks!”

What do you call a cow that’s stopped producing milk?

A milk dud!

Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?

It’s pasteurized before you know it!

Why don’t vegans eat chicken?

Because they contain eggs!

What’s the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer

A vegan is disgusted by a rack of lamb. A computer programmer is disgusted by a lack of RAM!

Did you hear about the vegan who refused to put vinyl flooring in her house?

 She heard there was laminate!

I asked my vegan friend for a ride the other day….

He doesn’t avocado!

What do you call a vegan post-punk band?

Soy Division!

What do you call a very strict vegan?

Lactose intolerant!

My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan…

 It was like I’d never seen herbivore!

Did you hear about the vegan house that caught fire?

Everything melted but the cheese!

How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two – one to change it, and the other to check the label for animal by-products!

Vegan 1: “Hey, try this sushi, it’s plant based!”

Vegan 2: “I don’t know, it seems fishy…”

Vegan 1: “Did you hear about this vegan protein powder? It’s made from chickpeas!”

Vegan 2: “Wow, no whey!”

Why was the vegan software developer fired?

She refused to kill bugs!

Why are vegans so nice?

They’ve got no beef!

A vegan once said to me that people who sell meat are gross…

I said people who sell vegetables are grocer!

Why did the vegan cross the road?

To prove he wasn’t chicken!

My rabbit is a vegan but he’s a bit of a hypocrite…

He has a fur coat he’s always wearing!

I’m not a vegan because I love animals…

I’m a vegan because I hate plants!

What’s the hardest part of going vegan?

Getting up at 4am to milk the almonds!

Why don’t most people go vegan?

They don’t carrot all!

What does a vegan zombie eat?

GRAAAAIIINS!

90 degrees is pretty hot for most people

But for mathematicians, it's just right!

Why is hot friendlier than cold?

Because heat waves but cold snaps!

I just bought a new hat with a built-in fan for hot weather

It really blows my mind!

My Dad was really proud of the chicken fence he put up for the chicken run

It was impeckable!

What time is it when a cow sits on your fence?

Time to get a new fence!

I walked into an electric fence

And the result was shocking!

Why do they put fences around cemeteries?

People are dying to get in!

What did one fence say to the other fence?

I like your stile!

How do you greet the cold horse across the fence?

Howdy Neigh - Brr!

How do you steal from a fence?

You picket's pockets!

Two morons are sitting on a fence. The big one fell off, why didn't the other?

He was a little more on!

Software architects should never design high security fences

They’re likely to make them highly scalable!

How big is the average fence?

Around a yard!

My friend found a deer stuck in a fence. It took him 3 hours, but he rescued it

He’ll do anything for a buck!

Jokes about fences...

Are borderline funny!

Why are Nintendo players afraid of the fence?

Because it stops animal crossing!

There's something I love about electric fences

But I can't put my finger on it!

What sort of ball doesn't bounce?

A snowball!

What sort of bike do you ride when it's cold?

an icicle!

What's the coldest thing you can eat for breakfast?

Frosted flakes!

What's the coldest food in Mexico?

A brrr-ito!

What do you call kids who live at the North Pole?

Chill-dren!

What are the coldest letters of the alphabet?

I C!

Why is it always so cold online?

It's the w-internet!

What do snowmen take when they're getting sick?

A chill pill!

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Chillyflakes!

How do you know if a snowman is made at you?

He'll give you the cold shoulder!

Why should you invite a fisherman to your parties?

To help break the ice!

What did the police man say to the snowman?

'Freeze!'

What do you call a snowman in summer?

A puddle!

Why should you always play your saxophone outside?

To make cool jazz!

How do snowmen make themselves beautiful?

With cold cream!

What do you call a snowman who steals?

A brrr-glar!

Did you hear about the sleeping snowman?

He was out cold!

What do snowmen eat for tea?

Ice burgers!

What's faster - hot or cold?

Hot - you can catch a cold!

Why didn't the snowman perform at the talent show?

He got cold feet!

Do you want to hear a joke about building sites?

Hold on – I’m working on it!

Why are building sites great places to make new friends?

They have such solid foundations!

What building site job are dogs great at?

Roofing!

Did you hear about the building site at Big Ben?

They’re working around the clock!

Why did the drill operator quit his job at the building site?

It was boring!

What do you hear if you take off a builder’s helmet and hold it to your ear?

The OSHA!

Which band is played the most on building sites?

The Carpenters!

My best friend drives a steamroller on building sites…

He’s such a flatterer!

Did you hear about the builder who had to quit when he couldn’t hold up scaffolding?

He handed in his too-weak notice!

Why was the builder acquitted on a robbery charge?

There was no concrete evidence!

What do nervous builders do?

Bite their nails!

Why should you be wary of building site job offers in Egypt?

They often turn out to be pyramid schemes!

I’m working on a construction joke…

I have to really build up the punchline!

Which country has the best building sites?

U-Crane!

I was gonna tell a joke about carpenters on the building site…

But I wasn’t sure it wood work!

Why are carpenters so good at their jobs?

They really nail it every time!

Why are building site parties so good?

They really raise the roof!

How many safety inspectors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five – one to change it, and four to hold the ladder!

Why do steelworkers love working onsite together?

It's riveting!

Why are nosy roofers so bad on building sites?

They’re always eavesdropping!

What do you a pencil with an eraser on both ends?

Pointless!

Pencils aren’t my favourite writing implements…

But they’re definitely Number 2!

When can’t a pencil write a cheque?

When it’s broke!

Did you hear about the man who showed up to a gunfight with only a pencil and paper?

He proceeded to draw his weapon!

Did you hear about the thief who stole all the pencils from the police station?

The police had no leads!

I won’t use a pencil on anything but paper…

That’s where I draw the line!

What do you call a pencil when you throw it?

I don’t know, but it’s certainly not stationery!

I’ve decided to ask a pencil to marry me…

I can’t wait for my family to meet my bride 2B!

Why didn’t the pencil get along with the pair of scissors?

Every time the pencil made a point, the scissors got snippy!

What did the pencil say to the pencil sharpener?

“Without you, life would be pointless!”

Why are pencils so good at debating?

They always have a point!

I was rejected by my dream art school because I used the wrong pencil…

It wasn’t 2B!

Why do pencils shave?

So they look sharp!

How do footballs travel?

By round-about!

Why don't tennis balls like noise?

They hate a racquet!

My friends are getting sick of me sharpening my pencil…

Really, I’m just trying to make a point!

Why should you never fall in love with a tennis ball?

To them, love means nothing!

Why shouldn't you play basketball in a court?

The judge won't like it!

What is a pencil’s favourite US state?

Pennsylvania!

Why couldn't Cinderella get to the ball?

Her glass shoes kept getting stuck in the mud!

What did one football say to the other?

'See you round!'

I was shocked to discover I was a basketball

Really threw me!

I used to go out with a baseball player...

But he chucked me!

What did the baseball glove say to the ball?

Catch you later!

Why are basketball players such messy eaters?

They're always dribbling!

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers?

In case he got a hole in one!

What can you serve but never eat?

A volleyball!

Why did the basketball player put the ball in a suitcase?

He travelled a lot!

Why was Cinderella so bad at team sports?

She kept running away from the ball!

Why was Cinderella so bad at football?

Her coach was a pumpkin!

Why are soccer, football and dodgeball the same game?

They're not, but they're in the same ballpark!

How do you know if a tennis player is upset?

They're balling their eyes out!

What do basketballs and doughnuts have in common?

They both get dunked!

What's a horse's favourite ball sport?

Stable tennis!

Why are bowling balls always so chill?

They just roll with it!

I finally hung up all of my pencil drawings…

But I’m worried it makes my house look sketchy!

Who’s the king of the pencil box?

The ruler!

What did the pencil say when it was cast in a Shakespeare play?

“2B or not 2B… that is the question!”

What’s the difference between a horse and a pencil?

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead!

Want to hear a joke about pencils?

Never mind… there’s no point!

How does the King like his cookies?

With Royal icing!

What do cookies say when they want to fight?

“Get ready to crumble!”

Why was the cookie so annoyed?

He had a chip on his shoulder!

What did the fruit cookie say to his parents?

“Thank you for raisin me right!”

Why was the gingerbread man locked out of his house?

He couldn’t find his cook-keys!

What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?

Chocolate chimp!

What’s the best thing to put into a cookie?

Your teeth!

Why did the baby cookie cry?

Because his mother was a wafer so long!

Where do witches bake their cookies?

In a coven!

How do basketball players take their cookies?

They dunk them in milk!

What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer?

Cookie doe!

Why couldn’t the Cookie Monster make his bed?

He couldn’t find a baking sheet!

What’s the main ingredient in a smart cookie?

Academia nuts!

I’m so sick of using the Internet…

I keep accepting cookies, and they still haven’t sent me any!

I tried to start an online bakery…

But I accidentally deleted all my cookies!

Why do Wookiees love cookies?

Because they’re Chewy!

What kind of cookie makes you rich?

A fortune cookie!

What do you a call a cookie who loves to steal?

A crook-ie!

When should you take a cookie to the doctor?

If it’s feeling crummy!

What did the cookie say to his wife?

“We’re a batch made in heaven!”

I couldn’t go to the office today because I had an eye problem…

I just couldn’t see myself working!

Why did the office employee keep an alarm clock under his desk?

He wanted to work over time!

What’s the worst thing about working in a paperless office?

When you have to go to the toilet!

I told a joke on the office Zoom call…

It wasn’t even remotely funny!

You know what they say about a tidy office desk…

It’s the sign of a VERY cluttered desk drawer!

The office manager told me to have a great day…

So I went home!

A salesperson came into an office one day and said “This computer will cut your workload by 50%!”

The office manager said, “Oh great, I’ll take two!”

How do you make up for arriving late to the office?

Leave early!

How many people work in the average office?

About half of them!

I don’t mind going to the office…

It’s the eight-hour wait to go home that I really hate!

The office computers went down this week, so we had to do everything manually…

It took half an hour just to shuffle the Solitaire cards!

Boss: “This is the third time you’ve been late this week. What is the meaning of this?”

Employee: “That it’s only Wednesday!”

Why was the scarecrow promoted to the office?

He was outstanding in his field!

My office nickname is The Computer…

If you leave me alone for thirty minutes, I’ll go to sleep!

Which office worker never works a single day?

The night security guard!

What do you call it when a nuclear physicist gets a salary increase?

Gamma rays!

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you…

You have my Word!

I just saw my boss lock himself in his office with some graph paper…

I think he’s plotting something!

Why did the CEO cross the road?

To delegate it to someone else!

Why was the office computer cold?

It left its windows open!

A guy walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to go

The coffee gets up and leaves!

I went to an open-air cafe yesterday and it rained

It took me four hours to eat my soup!

I don't trust new cafes

They fill me with uncertain tea!

I started a new job in a cafe where I make cheese toasties

It’s grate!

I want to start a cafe and fill it with surrealist paintings

I'll call it Salvador Deli!

At the Karma Cafe, there is no menu

You get what you deserve!

I went to a cafe in Paris and was insulted by the barista

It was a regular French roast!

What happened to the IT technician who tried to flirt with a barista at a cafe?

He couldn’t make a connection to the server!

I ran into this vegan girl at a cafe the other day

She said she knew me, but I had never met herbivore!

Why did the computer go to a cyber cafe?

Because it needed a byte to eat!

Why was the T-Rex Cafe always hiring?

They always seemed a bit "short handed"!

Just had lunch at the Pelican Cafe…

The food was good but the bill was enormous!

The rainforest cafe is getting too realistic

I was just sitting there when a bulldozer destroyed 30% of the cafe!

"Sir, why are you drinking on the floor?" asked the cafe waiter

"This is ground coffee" I replied!

An Australian walks into a cafe and orders coffee. The barista says “want any creamer?”

The Australian replies “Just coffee, mate!”

I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw

He said yeah but it’s rare!

I'm opening a Swedish restaurant but my chef isn't actually Swedish

Will anyone notice I'm using an artificial Swedener?

I used to be one of those chefs who shouts and swears a lot...

But then I discovered oven mitts!

Why was the French chef sad?

He lost the huile d’olive!

Why did the Italian chef get an award?

Because he pasta test!

Why did the Hipster chef burn his tongue?

He ate his food before it was cool!

What's an Italian chef's favorite speech?

The Spaghettysburg address!

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment

It's a whisk I was willing to take!

Why did the French chef stuff snails into his gas tank?

Because it makes escargot!

I just watched an Australian chef make meringue. Everyone cheered!

I was surprised... usually Australians boo meringue!

What is a sous chef's favourite catchphrase?

"I wish I had more thyme!"

Why wouldn’t the Italian chef’s car start?

Because he had gnocchis!

Famous Egyptian 19th Dynasty chef...

Gordon Ramses II!

What is a chefs favorite earth spell?

Cast iron!

My friend is a Magician & a Chef

The food is TA! DA! for!

Why am I always hiding at work?

Because a good worker is hard to find!

Working at an unemployment office must be so hard

Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day!

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil serpent!

I told my wife I saw an alien on the way to work this morning

She said “how do you know it’s on its way to work?”

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days

I said it must be my weekend immune system!

I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts

Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think!

Why don’t cows work as air stewards?

The steaks are too high!

Whenever I get a stack of resumes at work, I always pick half at random and throw them out

Don’t need unlucky people working in my office!

Boss: This is the 3rd time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it's only Wednesday?

The Indian restaurant I work at won't let me share their flatbread recipe

I signed a naan disclosure agreement!

I used to work in a fort cleaning the inside of cannons

Then they fired me!

Working at home sucks…

...if you’re a firefighter!

I met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo

Straight away I knew she was a keeper!

Why did the cowboy get a Weiner dog?

He wanted to git along little doggy!

If I could be any animal I would be a Weiner dog…

Because then I would always belong!

What do you give a dachshund with a fever?

Mustard…it’s the best thing for a hot dog!

Why can't you sell a weiner dog to a time traveler?

It would create a paradachshund!

What did the sausage dog say when he won the race?

I'm a weiner!

Where should you park your weiner dog?

In the barking lot!

Why are weiner dogs like trees?

They both have a lot of bark!

My weiner dog is so lazy

Not much dash in that hound!

Why are sausage dogs so competitive?

The weiner takes it all!

I would hate to be a weiner dog

That would be the wurst!

My weiner dog has been doing great lately!

It’s on a roll!

I had a dream about a weiner dog last night

It was more of a nightmare, to be frank!

Did you hear about the weiner dog that works for the coastguard?

He’s a good buoy!

Two weiner dogs are going for a walk. One say “nice weather today!”

The others turns and shouts “woah! A talking weiner dog!”

How do you stop your dachshund from barking in your front yard?

Put him in your backyard!

Do you know why weiner dogs always nap in the shade?

Because they don’t like being hot dogs!

How do you stop your dachshund from barking in your front yard?

Put him in your backyard!

What do you call sausage dogs who go trick or treating?

Halloweiners!

I have a few My Hero Academia jokes…

They’re All Might!

What’s the best compliment you can give Tsuyu?

“I find you ribbiting!”

What kind of car does Denki drive?

A Voltswagon!

Why is Midoriya's hero name “Deku”?

Because he's gonna dek u in the face!

What is Tokoyami’s favourite film?

Birdman!

Why is Todoroki hard to like?

He blows hot and cold!

What is Shigaraki’s villain name?

The Handyman!

What is Ochaco’s favourite TV show?

Gravity Falls!

What is the name of Hanta Sero’s Christmas-themed brother?

Santa Hero!

What do you call the Ochaco/Hanta ship?

Sero Gravity!

What do librarians like in their lunchboxes?

Piece and quiet!

What did the squid put in her lunchbox?

Ten tacos!

Who can fly and always spills the contents of his lunchbox?

Souper man!

Why didn't the moon open its lunchbox?

It was already full!

What do frogs put in their lunch boxes?

French flies!

What do whales put in their lunch boxes?

Fish and ships!

What do nuclear plant workers have in their lunch boxes?

Fission chips!

What do spies put in their lunch boxes?

Impasta!

What should you put in your lunchbox if you're trying to eat light?

A rainbow!

I put a Shepherd's pie my lunchbox

He wasn't happy about it!

What do Roman emperors put in their lunch boxes?

Caesar salad!

What did the llama say before his trip?

'Alpaca lunch!'