290 Word Jokes That Are So Punny!

What do you call a dog who’s really good at volleyball?

Spike!

Why did the volleyball player join the army?

To serve their country!

Why are spiders great volleyball players?

They have great topspin!

Why did the volleyball player go to her financial advisor?

She wanted to know her net worth!

Why did the table love playing volleyball?

Because it was always getting set!

Why did the volleyball player bring a shovel to the game?

So she could dig deep!

Why do volleyball players make such good waiters?

They really know how to serve!

Why is it not good to play volleyball in a court?

Because you might get arrested!

Why didn't the server blame his hand for the poor service?

It was the foot’s fault!

Why did the volleyball player bring an extra pair of shoelaces?

Because she wanted to tie the score!

Why do archaeologists always get a spot on the volleyball team?

They’re great at digging!

Why was the stegosaurus so good at volleyball?

He had fantastic spikes!

What do carpenters and volleyball players have in common?

They both like to hammer spikes!

Why couldn’t the volleyball player cross the road?

There were too many bumps!

What can you serve, but never eat?

A volleyball!

Who directed the film about the volleyball team?

Spike Lee!

What do you call a girl standing in the middle of a volleyball court?

Annette!

Why are fish bad at volleyball?

They’re afraid of the net!

Why are volleyball players bad at social media?

They just keep blocking everyone!

Why is a volleyball coach like a dentist?

They both love drills!

What do you get if you cross French patisserie with an insect?

A croiss-ANT!

How do you buy French pastries?

With a croiss-cent!

What's the opposite of a croissant?

A cheerful uncle!

Why can't you rely on croissants?

They're so flaky!

Which pastry is the angriest?

The cross-ant!

What's like a croissant but it hurts?

A PAIN au chocolat!

Why are croissants never cold?

They always have lots of layers!

How do you get a croissant on side?

You butter it up!

Why was the croissant so tired?

It was way past his bread time!

What's Austrian and invaded France?

The croissant!

Why are croissants good for you?

They raise your dough-pain-ine levels!

What's the best number in French? Cent? Deux cent? Trois cent?

No! C'est croissant!

I just put my hair in a bun, but it wasn't very nice...

I think I'll try a croissant next time!

What do French websites use to track your info? Cookies?

No, croissants!

Why didn't the croissant want to go to the haunted house?

It gave him the crepes!

What do you call two croissants in love?

A-dough-rable!

How do you make pain au chocolat?

Always double choc the recipe!

Why are croissant jokes so good?

Dunno, but they never get mould!

Why did the croissant get a job?

It was looking for a crescent role!

Why did the croissant cross the road?

It kneaded to get to the bakery!

I had a river joke, but I forgot it…

Oh well, water under the bridge!

I went swimming in a river but the current was too strong…

I suppose you could say it was ex-stream!

What do you get when you cross a river and a stream?

Wet feet!

What do river otters do when they need cash?

They go to the river bank!

What do you call a river that doesn’t think it’s a river?

De-Nile!

What did the sea say to the river?

“You can run but you can’t tide!”

What state does the Mississippi River flow in?

Liquid!

Why don’t hipsters like the River Thames?

It’s too mainstream!

Beaver 1: “This river is flowing with no obstruction!”

Beaver 2: “Dam it!”

What does the roof of your house have in common with a whitewater river?

Lots of rafters!

Why are rivers so rich?

They’ve got two banks!

What’s the most unsympathetic body of water in the world?

The Crimea River!

What do you call a person who jumps into a river in Egypt?

In denial!

What do you call a person who jumps into a river in Paris?

Insane!

What do you get if you cross a river with tap shoes?

Riverdance!

What do you get if you cross a river with Crocs?

Eaten!

How do you save someone drowning in a river?

Just throw them a bar of soap, they’ll wash ashore!

Man on left side of river: “How do I get to the other side?”

Man on right side of river: “You ARE on the other side!”

Why did the ocean stop speaking to the river?

It was too shallow!

Why did the fish cross the river?

To get to the other tide!

How do goths drink their coffee?

With Meshuggah!

What do you call a goth who writes Death Metal music?

A Decomposer!

What’s the difference between venom and poison?

One is goth metal, the other glam…

What's a goth’s blood made of?

Emoglobin!

Who was asked to direct a gothic horror about a tree falling down?

Tiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmbbbbbbbbbuuuuuurrrrrrrton!

My daughter got kicked out of school for wearing black clothes and make-up

I don't get it, she just goth there!

Why should you never pick on a pig dressed all in black?

Because Batman is sworn to protect Goth Ham!

What do you call a wide goth?

A girth!

Where do goths get their super strength?

Lots of heavy music!

Did you hear about the Goth computer security specialist?

He was hackin' in a coffin!

Why do history teachers love the Roman Empire so much?

Because they hate vandals and goths!

Why do moths like the light?

Because if they liked the dark they’d be goths!

What music do vegan goths listen to?

Soy division!

Emos and goths should wear more gold

It's pretty metal!

Did you hear about the goth kid who was bad at spelling?

He sold his soul to Santa!

What makes hotdogs angry?

Getting roasted!

What do you call a movie about hotdogs?

An Oscar wiener!

What do you call a hot dog in winter?

A chili dog!

Why are hotdogs like wolves?

They tend to come in packs!

Why did the vegetarian hotdog cross the road?

To prove it wasn't chicken!

How do you make a hot dog stand?

Take away his chair!

Why are hotdogs slower than burgers?

They can never ketchup!

Have you ever been to a hotdog factory?

No, I never sausage a place!

Why don't people like German hotdogs?

They're the wurst!

How do hotdogs propose?

With an onion ring!

What happens when a hotdog races a burger?

The wiener takes it all!

How did the hotdog get a date?

He mustard up the courage to ask!

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything!

I would never eat a hot dog

They're just offal!

How do you tell a hotdog to be quiet?

Hush puppy!

What do you call a rude hot dog?

A brat!

What do you get if you cross fast food and high fashion?

A haute dog!

What's a hotdog's favourite holiday?

Hallo-weenie!

What do you call an honest hot dog?

A frank furter!

How does Weenie-the-Pooh eat hot dogs?

With honey mustard!

Why did the nutcracker run across the road without looking?

Because it was nuts!

What did the nutcracker say as it chased the nut?

“I’m going to cashew!”

Why are nutcrackers so funny?

They’ll always crack you up!

“Do you want to go see The Nutcracker this Christmas? Tickets are only £10.”

“No thanks, I can go into the garden and see a squirrel do it for free!”

What did the nutcracker say to the chestnut?

“You’re busted!”

What do you call sheep who perform The Nutcracker?

Baaaaaa-llerinas!

Why did the ballet instructor make her students perform The Nutcracker?

To keep them on their toes!

Have you heard of the Polish nutcracker?

It’s really good to Krakow-pen nuts!

What is a nutcracker’s favourite food?

Crackers – they’re just nuts about them!

Why can’t dogs dance in The Nutcracker?

They have two left feet!

Which nut cannot be opened with a nutcracker?

A doughnut!

Which sea monster loves to eat almonds?

The nutkraken!

What do you call an automatic nutcracker?

A squirrel!

Why did the walnut cross the road?

To get away from the nutcracker!

What does a nutcracker wear on its feet?

Cashews!

Where can you learn all about nutcrackers?

The inter-nut!

Where did the Nutcracker go to the bathroom?

In the pee-can!

What kind of tea should you drink when you’re watching The Nutcracker?

Chai-kovsky!

Where do nutcrackers stay when they visit hotels?

The Nutcracker Suite!

What is a squirrel’s favourite Christmas tradition?

The Nutcracker!

Why did the broomstick yawn?

Because it was sweepy!

Did you hear about the man who was attacked by a broom?

It was a brush with death!

I don’t get much use out of my broom…

It’s just gathering dust!

Why are brooms so boring?

They’ll put you to sweep!

What sound does a witch’s car make?

“Broom, broom!”

My friend keeps insisting all brooms are the same…

Man, I hate sweeping generalisations!

How much do the brooms in Harry Potter cost?

About a quid each!

Why did the witch stay at a hotel?

She heard they had great broom service!

How did the broom find a girlfriend?

He swept her off her feet!

What happened when the angry witch tried to fly on her broom?

She flew off the handle!

What sort of crisps do you find in the attic?

Knick Knacks!

Which crisps should you take on a hike?

Walkers!

What's a singer's favourite type of crisp?

Quavers!

What's Santa's favourite type of snack?

Crisp Pringles!

What's a crisp's favourite carol?

Pringle Bells!

What do you call friars who make crisps?

Chip monks!

Why did the bag of crisps go to the hospital?

It had a snacks-iddent!

What's a pilots favourite crisp flavour?

Plane!

What happened when the potato used the sunbed?

It got burned to a crisp!

What's the most expensive type of crisp?

A diamond chip!

What did the tortilla chip say to the cowboy?

'Cool ranch!'

Which king loves flavoured crisps?

Sultan vinegar!

Why do tortilla chips always beat crisps in an argument?

Because tortilla chips have a point!

What's the difference between British crisps and other crisps?

British crisps are Walkers, the others just Lays around!

What's delicious, orange, and can run really fast?

A cheetoh!

What's an astronaut's favourite crisp flavour?

Cheese and orion!

Why did the crisp do so badly in the marathon?

Because it was a walker!

I saw a film about the man who invented brooms…

It really swept me away!

What sort of cheese should you NOT dip crisps in?

Nacho cheese!

Which crisp is the most prepared?

Ready salted!

How much money can you make in a crisp factory?

Dunno, but you can make a packet!

What happens when a witch breaks the sound barrier?

You hear a sonic broom!

Why are brooms bad at explaining things?

They tend to make sweeping statements!

The invention of the shovel was truly groundbreaking…

But the invention of the broom swept the nation!

What do you call two witches who share a haunted house?

Broommates!

Why do witches use brooms to fly?

Because vacuum cleaner cords don’t extend that far!

What did the mummy broom say to the baby broom?

“It’s time to go to sweep!”

How warm is a witch’s house?

Broom temperature!

Why was the broom late for school?

It over swept!

How does a witch play music?

On her broom box!

What does Bruce Wayne say when he gets out of bed?

“The Dark Knight Rises!”

Who’s the better businessman, Bruce Wayne or Clark Kent?

Well, have you ever heard of a Batmarket?!

Why did Bruce Wayne stop fighting crime?

It was the Bane of his life!

What type of tea does Bruce Wayne drink?

Vigilan-tea!

What did Bruce Wayne call his French restaurant?

The Creped Crusader!

Why is Bruce Wayne so good at poker?

He always gets the Joker!

How many Bruce Waynes does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. He likes it dark!

What is Bruce Wayne’s favourite drink?

Fruit PUNCH!

Why does Bruce Wayne insist on going second in chess?

Because he likes to play the Dark Knight!

What is Bruce Wayne’s favourite fruit?

Bananananananananananana!

Why does Bruce Wayne like Hawaiian pizza?

Because it Got-ham!

Why did Bruce Wayne’s photos turn out so badly?

He forgot to invite Flash!

What did Bruce Wayne bring to the party?

Just ice!

Where does Bruce Wayne keep his fish?

In the bat-tub!

What was Bruce Wayne's favourite food when he was a kid?

Alpha-bat-i Spaghetti!

What happens when Bruce Wayne forgets to pay the electricity bills?

A Dark Night!

What did baby Bruce Wayne have over his cot?

A Bat Mobile!

What does Bruce Wayne use to wash his hair?

Conditioner Gordon!

What would Bruce Wayne do if he wasn’t rich?

He would be Robin!

What was Bruce Wayne’s nickname when he was a kid?

Lil Wayne!

While driving to work today, I saw a huge cheesecake. There were no cars

...The road was strangely desserted!

What do you call a vegan cheesecake?

Cake!

Hear about the French Cheesecake Factory that exploded?

De Brie was everywhere!

A slice of cheesecake joined the army, but then ran away

They are wanted for dessertion!

You know what they say about New York Cheesecake?

If you can bake it there, you can bake it anywhere!

Why didn't the physicist like her cheesecake?

Because the quark had a strange flavour!

What do mice eat on their birthdays?

Cheesecake!

A man just threw a cheesecake at me!

How dairy!

I was wondering why nobody puts cottage cheese on cheesecakes

But it just a-curd to me!

A cake walks into a bar

Barman: Gateau-t!

I said “I love you” to a cheesecake

It burst into tiers!

What type of cheesecake is always late to the party?

Chocolate!

Why couldn’t the duck make a cheesecake?

He couldn’t quack the eggs!

Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his cheesecake?

Cause he was stuffed!

What animal is best at making cheesecakes?

Mascaponies!

I don’t like fermented cheesecakes, but I don’t know why

Something about them is just off-pudding!

What do you call a rodent that steals your cheesecakes?

A Pie-rat!

What do you get if you cross a cheesecake with an ape?

A Meringutan!

I want to grab just one asparagus…

Why not grab a PAIR-a-gus?

People who sell meat are gross

But people who sell asparagus are grocer!

What did the asparagus priest say at the vegetable church?

Lettuce pray!

Why did the asparagus change its name to asaragus?

Because its "p" smelled funny!

What’s a goose’s favorite vegetable?

Asparagoose!

What’s an asparagus’ favourite joke?

No idea - beets me!

I’ve started investing in stocks; beef, chicken and asparagus

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire!

I used to prefer asparagus to beans

Then I had a change of fart!

Why is it always a good idea to pack asparagus when you go camping?

In case your other agus breaks!

I just made an upside down cake…

It was a cheesecake, but I tripped over the dog!

The definition of an asparagus

A bean with aspirations of becoming a paintbrush!

What’s the best vegetable to have in the car?

Asparagus!

What do you call an indecisive asparagus?

An uhhhsparagus!

Asparagus is great. It affects your waterworks, and also helps with hunches and gut feelings

When you eat asparagus, you can trust urine stinks!

What do you call an asparagus that wants to be a better person?

Aspiregus!

What did the asparagus say to the Eggs Benedict?

Happy Hollandaise!

The word asparagus is funny

It sounds like an Italian guy begging you to leave someone named Gus alone!

I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11

It was just a spare, I guess!

A guy walked into the doctor with asparagus up his nose. The guy says, "Doc, I just don't get why I'm always sick"

The doctor replies, "Well, you're not eating right!"

Today I’m making a cheesecake covered in biscuit pieces

It’ll be difficult because I’ve never been covered in biscuit pieces before!

Why does broccoli always beat asparagus in races?

Because they floret!

How do choral masters open their doors?

With an off-key!

How many tenors does it take to change a lightbulb?

None - it's too high for them!

How do you know if a soprano is at the door?

She can't find the right key and she doesn't know when to come in!

Why was the alto arrested?

She was in treble!

My friend is a very talented church singer

He's really got it in hymn!

Why do choirs have dressing rooms?

For the key change!

Why can't skeleton's form choirs?

They don't possess any organs!

How do choirs pay for things?

With har-money!

A chord walks in to a bar....

'Sorry' says the barman 'I can't serve A minor!'

What's a choir's favourite tv show?

The Sopranos!

Why did the choir call a doctor?

There was an organ failure!

Why didn't the pony make it in the choir?

It was a little horse!

I need to be able to sing to join a singing group

It's a skill I really need to a choir!

What do you call a soprano with a low range?

A deep C diva!

How many soloists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One - he holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around him!

Why did the soprano bring a ladder to choir?

To reach the high notes!

I've just got feedback about the choir rehearsal...

It's got a lot of notes!

What's pink, sings and lives on the sea bed?

Choral!

Why did the choir practise on a football field?

They wanted a perfect pitch!

Why did the choir master need a map?

He kept getting lost in the music!

I've discovered a new way to cut concrete paving

It's a ground breaking discovery!

What's the difference between concrete and pavement?

Eh, it's a grey area!

I got fired from my job finishing concrete

I can't even!

I want to go into building construction...

But I'd need a concrete reason!

What do beavers say when they swim into concrete walls?

Dam!

How do you start a concrete race?

Ready...set!

What do you call a graveyard made of concrete?

A cement-ary!

What happened when the escaped convict fell in fresh cement?

He became a hardened criminal!

Why should you use speakers made of concrete?

To get a solid sound!

I like my concrete friend, but she's quite stubborn...

She's very set in her ways!

What do you call a woodland animal covered in concrete?

A badger set!

I have a feeling someone's been stealing paving stones...

But I need concrete proof!

Oh, you're a fan of Brutalist architecture?

Give me three concrete examples!

Why did the gangster get a concrete suit made?

He wanted to be a real hard case

What's the hardest thing about skateboarding?

The concrete!

I left my job working with concrete...

It just got too hard!

I've stopped making paving stones out of concrete and started making them out of Victoria sponge

It's a total cakewalk!

I broke up with my builder boyfriend

We didn't seem to be on solid ground!

A man walks into a bar with a slab of concrete under his arm and says

'One for me, and one for the road!'

I fell face first into fresh concrete the other day...

I think I made a good impression!

What do you call a chiropractor who’s good at his job?

A cracking success!

Anyone want some old copies of Chiropractor Monthly?

I have a lot of back issues!

What do you call a chiropractor who fixes pudding?

A pie-practor!

Why did the DJ go to the chiropractor?

It had a slipped disc!

What kind of tunes do chiropractors prefer?

Hip pop!

How do chiropractors make pancakes?

Carefully with a gentle flip!

I never believed that chiropractors could solve my back problems…

2 weeks later, I stand corrected!

Why do chiropractors love geometry?

Because of all the angles and alignments!

My chiropractor is very serious…

But he still cracks me up!

What’s a chiropractor’s favourite game?

Twister!

What do you call a back specialist in Egypt?

A Cairo-practor!

Why are chiropractors good at dancing?

They know how to pop and lock!

My chiropractor overcharged me for my treatment...

I wasn’t going to take it lying down!

I’ve worked out what’s wrong with my shoulder with my chiropractor…

It was a joint effort!

What did the supportive chiropractor say?

‘I’ve got your back!’

My chiropractor should be a comedian…

They’re straight up hilarious!

What do chiropractors have for lunch?

Cheese and crackers!

What do you say to a chiropractor when they’re annoyed?

‘Don’t get bent out of shape!’

Why did the chiropractor stay in at Halloween?

They couldn’t deal with any spine-tingling stories!

What do you call a sad chiropractor?

A cry-opractor!

What did the baker say to their wife on Valentine's Day?

I loaf you, here is some flours!

Did you hear about the baker who didn't follow recipes?

They loved taking whisks!

What's a baker's favourite Oasis song?

Roll With It!

What did the tired baker say?

"I knead a holiday!"

How much did the baker earn?

They were paid at a flour-ly rate!

Did you hear about the rebellious baker?

They went against the grain!

Why did the baker laugh?

They made a cinnamon pun!

Why are bakers so secretive?

They work on a knead to know basis!

What does Santa use to bake cakes?

Elf-raising flour!

How do Bake Off contestant know their cakes are done? 

Noel Fiel-DING!

What is a baker's favourite rap group?

The Yeastie Boys!

I will eat a musical instrument in a bap...

Drum roll, please!

I fell into a pile of French bread...

I was in a world of pain!

I didn't want a job at the bakery...

but I kneaded the dough!

What is it with bakers?

They've always got something to prove!

Which loaf is a famous Hollywood actor?

Bread Pitt!

Why did the bread hate the sunny weather?

It was too toasty!

Why did the bread always look bad in photos?

It was too grainy!

How do you say hello to German bread?

Gluten tag!

Did you hear about the baker who forgot his umbrella?

He got soaking wheat!

What was the robot's favourite author?

Anne Droid!

What is a yeti's favourite book?

Hairy Potter!

What do planets like to read?

Comet books!

What do you call a dinosaur who writes books?

A Brontë-saurus!

Why does an elephant use his trunk as a bookmark?

So he NOSE where he stopped reading!

I just finished this book about rock climbing...

It was a cliff hanger!