290 Word Jokes That Are So Punny!

While driving to work today, I saw a huge cheesecake. There were no cars

...The road was strangely desserted!

What do you call a vegan cheesecake?

Cake!

Hear about the French Cheesecake Factory that exploded?

De Brie was everywhere!

A slice of cheesecake joined the army, but then ran away

They are wanted for dessertion!

You know what they say about New York Cheesecake?

If you can bake it there, you can bake it anywhere!

Why didn't the physicist like her cheesecake?

Because the quark had a strange flavour!

What do mice eat on their birthdays?

Cheesecake!

A man just threw a cheesecake at me!

How dairy!

I was wondering why nobody puts cottage cheese on cheesecakes

But it just a-curd to me!

A cake walks into a bar

Barman: Gateau-t!

I said “I love you” to a cheesecake

It burst into tiers!

What type of cheesecake is always late to the party?

Chocolate!

Why couldn’t the duck make a cheesecake?

He couldn’t quack the eggs!

Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his cheesecake?

Cause he was stuffed!

What animal is best at making cheesecakes?

Mascaponies!

I don’t like fermented cheesecakes, but I don’t know why

Something about them is just off-pudding!

What do you call a rodent that steals your cheesecakes?

A Pie-rat!

What do you get if you cross a cheesecake with an ape?

A Meringutan!

I want to grab just one asparagus…

Why not grab a PAIR-a-gus?

People who sell meat are gross

But people who sell asparagus are grocer!

What did the asparagus priest say at the vegetable church?

Lettuce pray!

Why did the asparagus change its name to asaragus?

Because its "p" smelled funny!

What’s a goose’s favorite vegetable?

Asparagoose!

What’s an asparagus’ favourite joke?

No idea - beets me!

I’ve started investing in stocks; beef, chicken and asparagus

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire!

I used to prefer asparagus to beans

Then I had a change of fart!

Why is it always a good idea to pack asparagus when you go camping?

In case your other agus breaks!

I just made an upside down cake…

It was a cheesecake, but I tripped over the dog!

The definition of an asparagus

A bean with aspirations of becoming a paintbrush!

What’s the best vegetable to have in the car?

Asparagus!

What do you call an indecisive asparagus?

An uhhhsparagus!

Asparagus is great. It affects your waterworks, and also helps with hunches and gut feelings

When you eat asparagus, you can trust urine stinks!

What do you call an asparagus that wants to be a better person?

Aspiregus!

What did the asparagus say to the Eggs Benedict?

Happy Hollandaise!

The word asparagus is funny

It sounds like an Italian guy begging you to leave someone named Gus alone!

I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11

It was just a spare, I guess!

A guy walked into the doctor with asparagus up his nose. The guy says, "Doc, I just don't get why I'm always sick"

The doctor replies, "Well, you're not eating right!"

Today I’m making a cheesecake covered in biscuit pieces

It’ll be difficult because I’ve never been covered in biscuit pieces before!

Why does broccoli always beat asparagus in races?

Because they floret!

How do choral masters open their doors?

With an off-key!

How many tenors does it take to change a lightbulb?

None - it's too high for them!

How do you know if a soprano is at the door?

She can't find the right key and she doesn't know when to come in!

Why was the alto arrested?

She was in treble!

My friend is a very talented church singer

He's really got it in hymn!

Why do choirs have dressing rooms?

For the key change!

Why can't skeleton's form choirs?

They don't possess any organs!

How do choirs pay for things?

With har-money!

A chord walks in to a bar....

'Sorry' says the barman 'I can't serve A minor!'

What's a choir's favourite tv show?

The Sopranos!

Why did the choir call a doctor?

There was an organ failure!

Why didn't the pony make it in the choir?

It was a little horse!

I need to be able to sing to join a singing group

It's a skill I really need to a choir!

What do you call a soprano with a low range?

A deep C diva!

How many soloists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One - he holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around him!

Why did the soprano bring a ladder to choir?

To reach the high notes!

I've just got feedback about the choir rehearsal...

It's got a lot of notes!

What's pink, sings and lives on the sea bed?

Choral!

Why did the choir practise on a football field?

They wanted a perfect pitch!

Why did the choir master need a map?

He kept getting lost in the music!

I've discovered a new way to cut concrete paving

It's a ground breaking discovery!

What's the difference between concrete and pavement?

Eh, it's a grey area!

I got fired from my job finishing concrete

I can't even!

I want to go into building construction...

But I'd need a concrete reason!

What do beavers say when they swim into concrete walls?

Dam!

How do you start a concrete race?

Ready...set!

What do you call a graveyard made of concrete?

A cement-ary!

What happened when the escaped convict fell in fresh cement?

He became a hardened criminal!

Why should you use speakers made of concrete?

To get a solid sound!

I like my concrete friend, but she's quite stubborn...

She's very set in her ways!

What do you call a woodland animal covered in concrete?

A badger set!

I have a feeling someone's been stealing paving stones...

But I need concrete proof!

Oh, you're a fan of Brutalist architecture?

Give me three concrete examples!

Why did the gangster get a concrete suit made?

He wanted to be a real hard case

What's the hardest thing about skateboarding?

The concrete!

I left my job working with concrete...

It just got too hard!

I've stopped making paving stones out of concrete and started making them out of Victoria sponge

It's a total cakewalk!

I broke up with my builder boyfriend

We didn't seem to be on solid ground!

A man walks into a bar with a slab of concrete under his arm and says

'One for me, and one for the road!'

I fell face first into fresh concrete the other day...

I think I made a good impression!

What do you call a chiropractor who’s good at his job?

A cracking success!

Anyone want some old copies of Chiropractor Monthly?

I have a lot of back issues!

What do you call a chiropractor who fixes pudding?

A pie-practor!

Why did the DJ go to the chiropractor?

It had a slipped disc!

What kind of tunes do chiropractors prefer?

Hip pop!

How do chiropractors make pancakes?

Carefully with a gentle flip!

I never believed that chiropractors could solve my back problems…

2 weeks later, I stand corrected!

Why do chiropractors love geometry?

Because of all the angles and alignments!

My chiropractor is very serious…

But he still cracks me up!

What’s a chiropractor’s favourite game?

Twister!

What do you call a back specialist in Egypt?

A Cairo-practor!

Why are chiropractors good at dancing?

They know how to pop and lock!

My chiropractor overcharged me for my treatment...

I wasn’t going to take it lying down!

I’ve worked out what’s wrong with my shoulder with my chiropractor…

It was a joint effort!

What did the supportive chiropractor say?

‘I’ve got your back!’

My chiropractor should be a comedian…

They’re straight up hilarious!

What do chiropractors have for lunch?

Cheese and crackers!

What do you say to a chiropractor when they’re annoyed?

‘Don’t get bent out of shape!’

Why did the chiropractor stay in at Halloween?

They couldn’t deal with any spine-tingling stories!

What do you call a sad chiropractor?

A cry-opractor!

What did the baker say to their wife on Valentine's Day?

I loaf you, here is some flours!

Did you hear about the baker who didn't follow recipes?

They loved taking whisks!

What's a baker's favourite Oasis song?

Roll With It!

What did the tired baker say?

"I knead a holiday!"

How much did the baker earn?

They were paid at a flour-ly rate!

Did you hear about the rebellious baker?

They went against the grain!

Why did the baker laugh?

They made a cinnamon pun!

Why are bakers so secretive?

They work on a knead to know basis!

What does Santa use to bake cakes?

Elf-raising flour!

How do Bake Off contestant know their cakes are done? 

Noel Fiel-DING!

What is a baker's favourite rap group?

The Yeastie Boys!

I will eat a musical instrument in a bap...

Drum roll, please!

I fell into a pile of French bread...

I was in a world of pain!

I didn't want a job at the bakery...

but I kneaded the dough!

What is it with bakers?

They've always got something to prove!

Which loaf is a famous Hollywood actor?

Bread Pitt!

Why did the bread hate the sunny weather?

It was too toasty!

Why did the bread always look bad in photos?

It was too grainy!

How do you say hello to German bread?

Gluten tag!

Did you hear about the baker who forgot his umbrella?

He got soaking wheat!

What was the robot's favourite author?

Anne Droid!

What is a yeti's favourite book?

Hairy Potter!

What do planets like to read?

Comet books!

What do you call a dinosaur who writes books?

A Brontë-saurus!

Why does an elephant use his trunk as a bookmark?

So he NOSE where he stopped reading!

I just finished this book about rock climbing...

It was a cliff hanger!

What vegetables do librarians love to eat?

Quiet peas!

What do you call a dinosaur who knows lots of synonyms?

A Thesaurus!

What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?

Two kilo mockingbird!

My friend says The Lord of the Rings is rubbish...

They don't know what they're Tolkien about!

Did you hear about the chef's accountant?

They were in trouble for cooking the books!

Why couldn't the writer board the aeroplane?

It was fully booked!

Did you hear about the book about anti-gravity?

You can't put it down!

Why did Dracula go to the library?

He wanted to sink his teeth into a good story!

What do you call a haunted author?

A ghost writer!

Why are hardback books never cold?

Because they wear jackets!

Why did the lion read a book in the wardrobe?

It's Narnia business!

Why was the math's book sad?

It had too many problems!

What's a cook's favourite book?

Fried and Prejudice!

Did you hear the joke about the damaged book?

Don't worry, it's tear-ible!

Why was the doughnut sad?

It felt empty inside!

What's the best thing to put in a doughnut?

Your teeth!

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi' jam in!

What did the tired doughnut baker say?

'I'm fed up of this hole thing!'

What's the healthiest part of a doughnut?

The middle!

Why did the doughnut go to the dentist?

To get a filling!

Why do golfers love doughnuts?

There's always a hole in one!

Why couldn't the teddy finish his doughnut?

He was already stuffed!

I really want to become a doughnut chef

But something is hole-ing me back!

What do you call a cute doughnut?

A-dough-able!

A Scottish man walks into a bakery and says 'Excuse me, is that a doughnut or a meringue?'

The baker says 'No, you're right, it's a doughnut!'

I hate jokes food with holes in it

I just dough not like them

Where can you buy doughnuts?

Hole Foods!

When do doughnuts make the best windows?

When they're double glazed!

What did the doughnut say to the trifle?

'Don't be jelly!'

What's a doughnut's favourite day of the week?

Fry-day!

Where was the first doughnut made?

In Greece!

Why do doughnuts, bagels and pretzels go to Disneyland?

It's fun for the hole family!

Why did the baker give up making doughnuts?

He wanted something with more dough!

What's worse than getting stung by a doughnut?

Bagel Bites!

What do you call a haunted Mardi Gras parade float?

A Boo Krewe!

Why do Catholics always run marathons the day after Mardi Gras?

Because that’s when they fast!

Where do bees go to celebrate Mardi Gras?

The Big Bees-y!

What do you call a roll of bread baked on Mardi Gras?

Let The Good Times Roll!

What brand of T-shirt should you always wear to Mardi Gras celebrations?

Fruit of Doubloon!

Did you hear about the time the Mardi Gras parade and the St Patrick’s day parade took place on the same day?

It was quite the O’Cajun!

What did one New Orleans Mardi Gras attendee say to the other?

“Can I bayou a drink?”

Which Disney film is all about Mardi Gras?

Beauty and the Beads!

Why did the king cake go to the dentist?

It had too many fillings!

What did Caeser eat at the Mardi Gras parade?

Etouffee!

What is the playing surface of the New Orleans Superdome called?

Mardi grass!

How do you describe someone who doesn't share their crawfish on Mardi Gras?

Shellfish!

What did the donut say when he decided to not go to the French bistro on Mardi Gras?

“Beignet, done that!”

What does an elderly New Orleans chef call his wife on Mardi Gras?

His Old Bae!

Have you read the new Harry Potter book about Mardi Gras?

It’s called “Fantastic Beads and Where To Find Them!”

What do you call a hamburger covered in beads?

A French Quarter pounder!

What kind of music do Mardi Gras beads like?

String quartets!

What did the king cake say to the fork?

“Wanna piece of me?”

What did Freddie Mercury say when someone offered him a sandwich on Mardi Gras?

“I’m just a po’boy, I need no sympathy!”

What do you call gumbo that doesn’t turn out very well on Mardi Gras?

Meaty okra!

I once saw a picture of children’s book author Theodore Seuss Geisel…

It had clearly been Doctored!

What do you call someone who watches you take a test while you wear a vest?

Proctor Seuss!

How did Dr. Seuss get home after the party?

He took a Who-ber!

What did Dr. Seuss call the book he wrote about Star Wars?

The Cat in the AT-AT!

How fast does the Grinch’s sled go?

Max speed!

What’s black, white and red all over?

The Cat in the Hat!

Why doesn’t the Grinch like knock-knock jokes?

Because it’s always Whos there!

What do you call a magician in a Dr. Seuss book?

Who-dini!

What does the Cat in the Hat wear to bed?

Paw-jamas!

What did Dr. Seuss order at the seafood restaurant?

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish!

Why is the Grinch such a good gardener?

He has a green thumb!

Which US city did Dr. Seuss live in?

Who-ston!

Did you hear about the robber who broke into a daycare and took all the Dr. Seuss books?

It was a nursery crime!

What did the Lorax say when the tree fell on him?

“I’m stumped!”

Man: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Dr Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

Where do the Star-Bellied Sneetches go when they’re sick?

To Dr. Seuss!

What is Dr. Seuss’s favourite band?

The Who!

What do you call a Dr. Seuss character with a medical degree?

Dr. Who!

What do you get when you cross Dr. Seuss with George Michael?

Green eggs and WHAM!

Did you hear that Dr. Seuss’s mother was a physiotherapist?

Her name was Ma Seuss!

I was going to give up meat for Lent...

But I couldn't quit cold turkey!

I'm giving up being cynical for Lent

We'll see how long that lasts!

I'm going to give up procrastination for Lent...

Eventually...

I gave up complaining for Lent..

It's the worst!

I'm going to give up spreadsheets next year before Easter...

It will be Exel-Lent!

I gave up cleaning the tumble-dryer before Easter...

For lint!

What plants should you give up before Easter?

SuccuLENTS!

Why is Rick Astley so bad at Lent?

He's never going to give you up!

This Lent...

I'm just giving up!

What's a Pokémon's favourite day before Easter?

Ash Wednesday!

What's like Ash Wednesday but hairier?

Tache Wednesday!

I'm giving up making jokes for Lent...

That's why there's no punchline!

I was going to give up go kart racing for Lent...

But I fell off the wagon!

Why can't you read a library book before Easter?

Because it's Lent!

I gave up calendars for Lent...

I'm not sure how many days I have left...

What's a tree's least favourite religious day?

Ash Wednesday!

What's the most appropriate food to eat before Easter?

Lentils!

Why should you run a marathon during Lent?

Because Lent is when you fast!

We decided not to eat any chicken products before Easter...

It was an egg shell Lent idea!

I'm determined not to break my promises to fast before Easter...

I'm going to be vigi-LENT!

What role do headteachers play in pantomimes?

The principal boy!

I used to have a job as the front of a pantomime horse...

I quit when I was a head!

Why does Dick Whittington have a beard?

His cat prefers Whiskers!

What's the scariest panto?

Ghoul-dilocks and the Three Bears!

Why was the Pantomime Dame sad?

His career was behind him!

What sort of pet does Aladdin have?

A flying car-pet!

A pantomime horse walks into a bar, and the barman says...

'Why the long faces?'

What do panto actors say when their laces get tangled?

'Oh no, it's knot!'

What do you call a Christmas show about knickers?

A PANT-omime!

What's Cinderella's favourite sweeties?

Chocolate buttons!

Did you hear about the actor playing the cow in Jack and the Beanstalk?

He really milked it!

Why did the panto villain refuse to fight?

He didn't want to make a scene!

Did you hear about the actor who didn't get the part he wanted in Snow White?

He wasn't Happy!

I went into a library and asked for a book about pantomimes

The librarian said 'It's behind you!'

Why was Snow White made a judge?

She's the fairest of them all!

What happened when the Dame kept falling through the floor?

It was just a stage she was going through!

Why do actors always give Christmas presents at pantomimes?

They want some stage presence!

Which panto always takes place in a chemists?

Puss in Boots!

A pantomime horse walks into a bar...

Twice!

Who stars in the fish version of Cinderella?

The Fairy Codmother!

Why did the comma, the colon and the full stop hire a lawyer?

They were due to be sentenced!

What happened when the lawyer sued the airline for losing his baggage?

He lost his case!

Why did the scarecrow become a lawyer?

He was outstanding in his field!

What does a lawyer add to his fizzy drink?

Just-ice!

What sort of cases do skeleton lawyers take?

Pro bone-o!

What do you call a lawyer with who's daughter is married?

A father in law!

What do lawyers wear to court?

Law suits!

What animal always breaks the law?

A cheetah!

What do you call a female lawyer?

Sue!

Why should law jokes be sent to jail?

Because they're so pun-ishing!

When does a lawyer make coffee?

When there is sufficient grounds!

Knock knock. Who's there?

I'm sorry, I can't answer any questions without my lawyer present

What do you call a lawyer who charges a lot?

Bill!

Why didn't Abraham Lincoln need a lawyer?

He was in-a-cent!

When I was accused of being a bad lawyer...

I couldn't defend myself

I used to be a lawyer....

But it lost its appeal!

What did the judge say to the dentist?

'Pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth!'

What happened when the lawyer farted?

The judge said 'Odour in the court!'

Where do lawyers live?

A legal pad!

Why did the judge send the pigeon to jail?

She was a flight risk!

Did you hear about the milk company CEO who was arrested for embezzlement?

Turns out he was skimming some off the top!

Did I ever tell you about the time I stole some milk that someone had left by their window?

It was ledge-end dairy!

Why does milk turn into yoghurt when you take it to a museum?

It becomes cultured!

Did you know that cows produce more milk when farmers talk to them?

It’s a case of “in one ear, and out of the udder!”

What do you call the greatest milk ever made?

Legendairy!

What kind of milk is used to make Swiss cheese?

Hole milk!

I love drinking 2% milk, but I always wonder…

What happened to the other 98%?

What sound does a cow make when it runs out of milk?

None… there’s udder silence!

Where does condensed milk come from?

Very small cows!

Astronaut 1: “I can’t find any milk for my coffee!”

Astronaut 2: “In space, no one can. Here, use cream.”

Why does a milking stool only have three legs?

Because the cow has the udder!

What comes first, cereal or milk?

Neither – it should be bowl first!

What do you call milk that gets given everything it wants?

Spoiled!

Which baseball player holds the milk?

The pitcher!

Why did the skimmed milk fail the test?

He only got 1%!

What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a cow?

A hare in your milk!

What do you get when you cross a duck and a cow?

Milk and quackers!

Cashier: “Would you like your milk in a bag, sir?”

Customer: “No, I’ll keep it in the bottle, thanks!”

What do you call a cow that’s stopped producing milk?

A milk dud!

Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?

It’s pasteurized before you know it!

Why don’t vegans eat chicken?

Because they contain eggs!

What’s the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer

A vegan is disgusted by a rack of lamb. A computer programmer is disgusted by a lack of RAM!

Did you hear about the vegan who refused to put vinyl flooring in her house?

 She heard there was laminate!

I asked my vegan friend for a ride the other day….

He doesn’t avocado!

What do you call a vegan post-punk band?

Soy Division!

What do you call a very strict vegan?

Lactose intolerant!

My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan…

 It was like I’d never seen herbivore!

Did you hear about the vegan house that caught fire?

Everything melted but the cheese!

How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two – one to change it, and the other to check the label for animal by-products!

Vegan 1: “Hey, try this sushi, it’s plant based!”

Vegan 2: “I don’t know, it seems fishy…”

Vegan 1: “Did you hear about this vegan protein powder? It’s made from chickpeas!”

Vegan 2: “Wow, no whey!”

Why was the vegan software developer fired?

She refused to kill bugs!

Why are vegans so nice?

They’ve got no beef!

A vegan once said to me that people who sell meat are gross…

I said people who sell vegetables are grocer!

Why did the vegan cross the road?

To prove he wasn’t chicken!

My rabbit is a vegan but he’s a bit of a hypocrite…

He has a fur coat he’s always wearing!

I’m not a vegan because I love animals…

I’m a vegan because I hate plants!

What’s the hardest part of going vegan?

Getting up at 4am to milk the almonds!

Why don’t most people go vegan?

They don’t carrot all!

What does a vegan zombie eat?

GRAAAAIIINS!

90 degrees is pretty hot for most people

But for mathematicians, it's just right!