290 Word Jokes That Are So Punny!

What do you call an eggplant that just turned 13?

An auber-teen!

Knowledge is knowing that an aubergine is a fruit…

Wisdom is not using it in a fruit salad!

What do you call a cross between an orange and an eggplant?

Aubertangerine!

How do vegetables protect themselves against sunburn?

By using auber-sunscreen!

What do you call an eggplant that just took a bath?

Auber-clean!

What do fashionable vegetables wear?

Auber-jeans!

What do you call a vegetable who’s also a superhero?

Auber-Wolverine!

Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs?

From eggplants!

Where do chickens produce electricity?

In an eggplant!

Why was the eggplant afraid?

It had a bad auber-dream!

What did the aubergine say to the chef?

“You’re really grilling me here!”

What socks do you need to plant aubergines?

Garden hose!

What’s the funniest vegetable?

The auber-meme!

What’s the smartest vegetable?

The auber-genius!

Did you ever hear about the chickenplant?

Well, maybe you heard about the eggplant first…

What do you call a terrified eggplant?

Auber-scream!

What’s the difference between aubergine and bogeys?

 Children will actually eat bogeys!

What do you get if you rub an eggplant?

An auber-genie!

How do vegetables travel?

By Uber-gine!

What do you call an eco-friendly eggplant?

An auber-green!

What do you call it when it's raining vegetables?

A kale storm!

What vegetable do rich people eat?

Ups-kale!

How do vegetables travel?

By kale-way!

Why did the kale go to the beach?

To get some vitamin sea!

What did the kale say to the celery?

Stop stalking me!

What do you get if you mix Carly Rae Jepson and vegetables?

Kale Me Maybe!

How do you weigh a vegetable?

Put it on the skales!

What do you call a story about a beautiful vegetable princess?

A fairy kale!

Have you heard about the movie about veg starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks?

You've Got Kale!

Why did the kale blush?

It saw the salad dressing!

Where does kale come from?

Kaledonia!

What did the kale say at the concert?

Lettuce rock!

Where do vegetables work?

In a kale centre!

What's green and lives in the sea?

Killer kale!

Why is kale so loyal?

It will never leaf!

What does a witch cook her vegetables in?

A kaledron!

Is it a good idea to pick a fight with kale?

No, just leaf it!

How did the kale go to space?

In a rocket ship!

What do you call a dance for Scottish vegetables?

A kaley!

How does kale hitch hike?

With a green thumb!

What do you have if you pick 3.14 blueberries?

Blueberry pi!

My girlfriend was making breakfast while playing music and she asked if I liked Pearl Jam

No thanks, I prefer blueberry!

Why does fruit dislike being preserved?

The process is jarring!

Cherry pie in Jamaica - $4.25
Blueberry pie in Cuba - $3.50

Those are some of the pie-rates of the Caribbean!

Someone broke into my house and replaced all my stone fruit with blueberries

I am peachless!

What do you call research involving Eggs, blueberries and Polos?

An Eggs-Berry-Mint!

What do you call a blueberry that studies the night before a test?

A cram-berry!

What do you call a berry patch on a windy day?

Blewberries!

Why can't blueberry bagels fly?

Because then they would be plane bagels!

Whenever I make blueberry muffins, I make sure one muffin is just batter

I like to play Muffin Roulette!

I really like cooking blueberries with sugar

I know many people disagree with me. But that's my jam!

What do you call blueberries, raspberries and strawberries inside of a hidden chest?

Berried Treasure!

What do you get if you drink blueberry juice?

Bluetooth!

Blueberry bushes are one of the least productive plants

All their effort bear little fruit!

A blueberry laughed at a strawberry’s accent

That was berry rude of him!

What do you call a blueberry that doesn't tell the truth?

A Library!

A chemical in blueberries stimulates mental activity

Food for thought!

Why are brownies such good friends?

They’ll never dessert you!

What do you call a sad brownie?

A frownie!

What do you call a brownie who likes to live life dangerously?

A real whisk-taker!

Brownies can be part of a balanced diet…

Just hold one in each hand!

Why did the cake behave so well at school?

It wanted brownie points!

What did one brownie say to the other?

“I’m batter off with you!”

What happened when the ice cream met the warm brownie?

The ice cream had a meltdown!

What did the brownie say to the fork?

“You want a piece of me?”

There are two types of people in this world…

People who love brownies, and liars!

How is a baseball team like a brownie?

They both depend on a good batter!

Why did the computer programmer put his brownies back in the oven?

They were too GUI!

I just burned 3,000 calories…

That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap!

What does a brownie put on his bed?

A baking sheet!

Why are families like brownies?

They’re mostly sweet, but some have a few nuts!

What’s the best thing to put into a brownie?

Your teeth!

What is the chemical formula for the molecules in a brownie?

Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium, or CHoCoLaTe!

Don’t bite off more than you can chew…

Unless it’s a chocolate brownie!

Why did the man only eat unbaked brownies?

They were just batter!

Why did the brownie take a day off school?

It was feeling crumby!

What did one brownie say to the other?

“You bake me so happy!”

Why are kiwis so good at tennis?

They're seeded!

What did the egg say to the kiwi?

'I see you haven't shaved today!'

Which fruit has two eyes?

A kiwi!

I just ate a kiwi...

The zookeeper was NOT happy!

What's green and wears a bowtie?

Kiwi Herman!

Why is a kiwi fruit like a meadow?

They've both got hairs all over!

What did one kiwi say to the other?

'You give me that warm, fuzzy feeling!'

What's green, does ballet and is delicious?

A kiwi Pavlova!

What does fruit do for fun?

Kiwi-oke!

Why are kiwis green?

Because they're jealous of bananas!

What did the kiwi say to the apple?

'Orange you glad to see me?'

I hate kiwis

They're not a-peeling!

What's green, fuzzy and can kill you?

A kiwi with a grudge!

I think I remember kiwi fruit...

My memory is a bit fuzzy

What does a kiwi and someone who's missed their plane have in common?

They're both flightless!

What sort of fruit do you find in the loo?

A ki-wee!

What did the blueberry say to the kiwi?

I love you berry much!

What did one kiwi fruit say to the other?

You have the kiwi to my heart!

How did the kiwi propose to the strawberry?

With a ring of pineapple!

Why are there so many kiwis on boats?

They're full of vitamin sea!

I’m getting paid a lot to shut down Zoom calls...

Now I’m making ends meet by making meets end!

I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by

I just didn’t realize it would Zoom!

Why is it called a zoom meeting...

When it should be called a co-vid!

Me: This show is boring…

Boss: Again, this is a Zoom conference!

What do you call a quick video-conference at the Mazda factory?

A zoom-zoom zoom Zoom!

What do you call the phenomenon where nobody can hear you on Zoom?

A Mute-ation!

An Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard and a German were in a Zoom meeting. The Boss asks “can you see me ok?”

They answered: “yes” “oui” “si” “ja”!

What kind of online exercise do sheep do together?

Zoom-BAAAAAH!

I don't know how to tell my future child

That "zoomers" aren't called that because they learned through zoom!

The jokes I’ve heard on Zoom...

Aren’t remotely funny!

Why do vegans only use Zoom?

Because they don't like Google Meet!

Are you ready for the upcoming Zoom meeting?

Not even remotely!

Had a Zoom call about whether or not to acquire a new bird of prey

It was an add hawk meeting!

Do you see the video of Sean Connery on Zoom with the books falling on him?

He said " Sho Shorry, only got myshelf to blame "

What excuse can you use to get away with skipping a zoom lecture?

"My dog ate my computer!"

Friend of mine is going to give me a used zoom lens for my camera

Will be great if it pans out!

Which video call software is the fastest?

Zoom!

Why do comedians love gigs on zoom?

No one can throw tomatoes through the screen!

What’s a pirate’s favourite thing about Zoom meetings?

The arrrr-guments!

What is a corporate executive’s favourite kind of weather?

Blue skies!

What does a corporate executive do when they go swimming?

A deep dive!

Did you hear about the innovations in the company’s mail room?

They’re always pushing the envelope!

What does a corporate executive do when they make supper?

Bring it to the table!

What is a corporate executive’s favourite spot on the stove?

The back burner!

Why do bird enthusiasts make such good executives?

They always keep their ducks in a row!

How do you make a small fortune in the stock market?

Start with a large one!

How do you sew in business lingo?

Move the needle!

What do corporate employees choose when they go apple picking?

Only the low-hanging fruit!

What do you call it when the team decides to play Monopoly instead of Scrabble at the company retreat?

A real game changer!

How do you define a work meeting?

A group of people who keep minutes but lose hours!

My boss gave a great 10-minute speech at the conference yesterday…

The only problem was, it took him an hour to deliver it!

What is a corporate executive’s favourite Friends quote?

“Pivot!”

Why are internet servers so good in a corporate environment?

They always have enough bandwidth!

How does a corporate executive go hiking?

They always circle back!

How do corporate executives hang pictures?

They put a pin in it!

Why are corporate managers so good at tying knots?

They always close the loop!

Why did the boss set his office on fire?

He wanted everyone to hot desk!

Why did the corporate executive climb the tallest building in the world?

She was looking for the 30,000 foot view!

Why should you never try to work in the garden?

You’ll always be in the weeds!

What do you call it when a princess burps?

Noble gas!

Did you hear about the man who burped in a lift?

It was gross on SO many levels!

What did the chicken say after burping?

“Eggs-cuse me!”

What’s the worst thing you can say after burping in public?

“Sorry everyone, it was supposed to be a fart!”

Oh sure, when the baby burps after eating it’s amazing…

But when I do it, I’m ruining Sunday lunch for everyone!

What’s invisible and smells like carrots?

A rabbit’s burp!

What’s invisible and smells like grass?

A cow’s burp!

Why are burps like books?

They’re better when you’re alone!

What happens when you burp and fart at the same time?

Your body takes a screenshot?

What happened to the guy who drank 8 cokes?

He burped 7 Up!

Two Australian birds burped in my face…

It did not emus me!

What did one burp say to the other burp?

“Let’s be stinkers and come out the other end!”

What do you call a breakfast food that burps?

A Belching waffle!

How do you know if a clown has burped?

It smells funny!

Why did the skeleton burp?

Because he didn't have the guts to fart!

What do you call a belching gunslinger?

Wyatt Burp!

What happens when the King burps?

He has to issue a royal pardon!

My special talent is that I can burp at Will…

He doesn’t appreciate it very much!

Did you hear about the ugliest man in the world?

When he burped, everyone though it was a fart!

Who’s the gassiest star of classic Hollywood?

Burp Reynolds!

When were police invented?

In the Copper Age!

Why is it called the Bronze Age?

It was the third best age in history!

Why was everything so creased in the Bronze Age?

The Iron Age Hadn't Happened Yet!

Bronze Age Jokes are so old..

They're almost prehistoric!

What sort of music did people listen to in the Bronze Age?

Metal!

Between the Stone Age and the Bronze Age there was the Copper Age...

That's when people really knew how to conduct themselves!

I entered a competition to make jokes about the Bronze Age...

I came third!

What did the Copper Age Man say to the Bronze Age Man?

'CU later!'

What do you call musicians at Stonehenge?

A rock band!

What do you get if you mix Happy Days and ancient history?

The Fonz age!

What do you call a Bronze Age grave full of chariots?

A wheelbarrow!

Why do archaeologists like the Bronze Age so much?

Dunno - they just dig it!

What do you get if you mix ancient history and basketball?

LeBron's Age!

What age were people the most tanned?

The Bronze Age!

I found some Bronze Age treasure...

But I'm going to hoard it to myself!

Where did Bronze Age people eat?

Pizza Hut!

What did one Bronze Age helmet say to the other?

'I'll stay here, you go on a head!'

Some people don't think Ancient Egypt was part of the Bronze Age

They're in de-nile!

What happened underwater a long time ago?

The Prawns Age!

I've got a joke about Bronze Age weapons...

It will leave you in stitches!

Twice a year there is a newsletter released about dried fruit

On those dates it is raisin awareness of currant events!

Why did the raisin take a prune to the prom?

Because he couldn't find a date!

What's an Amish's favourite kind of raisin?

A Barn Raisin'!

I used to be a programmer for autocorrect

They fried me for no raisin!

I've just been to the shops and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas

I can't believe the currant exchange rate!

I firmly disagree with putting fruit in cake

There's just no good raisin for it!

I've got 40 raisins in my savings account

...oh no wait, that's my currant account!

How to stop being intimidated by dates:

Just think of them as big raisins!

I'm going to start a pub that also offers raisins, nuts and oats

I'll call it the Granola Bar!

What if someone made raisins with juice in them

That would be grape!

Raisins are just old wrinkly grapes

Then does that mean they’re berry-atric?

I made a playlist for hiking. It's got songs from Peanuts, The Cranberries and The California Raisins

I call it my Trail Mix!

My power just tripped, turned out a raisin had shorted the toaster element

Must have been a faulty currant!

Please don’t hand out raisins this Halloween…

Eggs have gotten really expensive!

What do you call a soul singer you can dunk in your cuppa?

Lionel Rich Tea!

What do you get when you put 1 tsp each of almonds, oats, corn flakes, and raisins in a bowl?

A muesli serving!

You thought no one was going to tell any vegetable jokes…

But then I turnip!

What did one turnip say to the other before his big exam?

“We’re all rooting for you!”

What do you call a highwayman who only steals root vegetables?

Dick Turnip!

What’s the best way to deal with turnip cravings?

A vegetable patch!

I asked the waitress what was in the club salad…

She said, “Lettuce, turnip, the beet!”

Why do root vegetables have a reputation for being snobbish?

They always turnip their noses!

I just planted some root vegetables in my garden…

We’ll see what turnips!

What’s a farmer’s favourite kind of jeans?

Ones with turnips!

Why couldn’t the baby turnip go to the party?

Because he was still grounded!

How did the vegan rock band open up their show?

“Lettuce turnip the beet!”

What nationality are turnips?

Swede-ish!

I just saw a man in the local bookshop exchanging a root vegetable for the complete works of Dickens…

Now that’s what I call a turnip for the books!

Where do turnips go to unwind after work?

The Salad Bar!

How do farmers party?

They turnip the volume!

“Doctor doctor, I have a turnip stuck up my nose! What do I do?”

“Well, I suggest eating more sensibly!”

My sister thinks that onions are the only vegetable that can make you cry…

Clearly she’s never been hit in the face by a turnip before!

What’s the difference between turnips and bogeys?

Children will actually eat their bogeys!

What kind of socks do you need to plant turnips?

Garden hose!

Why are root vegetables such good DJs?

They really know how to turnip the beet!

I can’t find my vegetables…

I hope they turnip soon!

I love almond milk

It's unlike any udder milk!

What do you call a female Almond?

Michelle!

Why didn't the almond go to the ballet?

It was scared of the Nutcracker!

Can you keep a secret about an almond?

I walnut tell a soul!

Why was the almond mad at his friends?

They roasted him!

What do you call an almond at the beach?

Sea-salted!

Why was the almond bad at hide and seek?

It kept pecan!

What did the motivational almond say?

'Do nut give up!'

What do almonds eat at barbeques?

A-corn on the cob!

What do you call an almond in space?

An astro-nut!

What did the almond say to the Brazil nut?

'Cashew later!'

How does an almond get online?

It uses the inter-nut!

What do you call an almond who loves board games?

A chess-nut!

What do you call a Spanish almond?

Almundo!

What do you call a chilled out almond?

C-almond collected!

What do almonds use for money?

Cash-ews!

What happens if you make an almond nervous?

It cracks!

What happens if you're rude to an almond?

It will feel unsalted!

Are you ready for this almond flavoured joke?

Amaretti? You bet!

I find it very hard to get dates...

Almonds though, that's easy!

If I had to smell like two things for the rest of my life, I'd pick lemon and lime

But that's just my two scents!

What do you call a haunted lime peel?

Po-zest!

Why was the lime fired from the juice factory?

He couldn’t concentrate!

I tried making a lime flavour cream pie but it curdled

It was quite off pudding!

Historians found a citrus sauce invented by Samuel Taylor Coleridge

It’s called the 'Lime of the Ancient Marinade'!

Did you hear about the citrus embezzling scandal?

They were liming their pockets!

I predict a surge in the popularity of small citrus fruit later in the year

Kumquat May!

What’s a lime’s favourite motto?

Squeeze the day!

Why does the lime train every day?

It wants to be the zest!

Why did the lime go out with a Prune?

Because he couldn’t find a date!

What kind of jokes do limes like?

One-limers!

Who did the lemon rob the bank with?

His partner in lime!

Lime pie in Barbados costs $3.14. Pecan pie in Jamaica costs $1.59

Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean!

I made a miniature lemon-lime pie...

It was a little tart!

What do you call a lime that opens doors?

A Key Lime!

What do raspberries like to read before bed?

Berry tales!

Why are raspberries such good friends with strawberries?

They jam together!

What was the raspberry’s favourite book?

The Great Gatsberry!

How do raspberries deal with treasure chests?

They berry them!

Why was the raspberry late?

It got stuck in a jam!

What did one raspberry say to the other in the middle of winter?

“Have a berry merry Christmas!”

Why are raspberry farmers so bad at being criminals?

They always get caught red-handed!

What did the raspberry say when his favourite song came on?

“Ooh, this is my jam!”

What was Prince’s favourite dessert?

Raspberry Sorbet!

What did one raspberry say to the other?

“If you weren’t so sweet, we wouldn’t be in this jam!”

“Doctor, there’s a raspberry growing out of my nose!”

“Oh, that’s easy to deal with. Just put some cream on it!”

What do you call a raspberry that uses swear words?

Berry rude!

What did the robot have for dinner?

Computer chips with raspberry pi for dessert!

What do you call a Russian berry with a long beard?

Rasp-putin!

Why were the little raspberries upset?

Because their parents were in a jam!

What do you call a sad raspberry?

A blue raspberry!

What makes a bathroom fit for a Prince?

A raspberry bidet!

How many grams of protein are in a raspberry pi?

3.14159265…

What do you call raspberries making music?

A jam session!

Why are raspberries so bad at using computers?

The printer always jams!

Why did the pomegranate quit his job at the juice factory?

He just couldn’t concentrate!

Why are pomegranates so inspirational?

They’ll keep trying until they suc-seed!

What do you call an elderly pomegranate?

Pome-grandad!

What did the pomegranate say to the banana?

“You’re very apeeling!”

Why didn’t the pomegranate take the shortcut through the alleyway?

It looked a bit seedy!

What do you call a pomegranate with a sense of humour?

A pun-egranate!

Why should you always try and rescue a pomegranate in danger?

It can be your good seed for the day!

What do you call a fruit-based weapon?

A bomb-egranate!

What did the pomegranate say in church?

“Please be seeded!”

What is a stonemason’s favourite fruit?

Pome-granite!

I just tried pomegranate for the first time…

I have to say, it ex-seeded my expectations!

How did the pomegranate feel after a good night’s sleep?

Pome-GREAT!

What is a pomegranate’s favourite Beatles song?

“All You Seed Is Love!”

What is a pomegranate’s favourite Monty Python song?

“Always Look On The Bright Seed Of Life!”

Why did the pomegranate become juice?

He was pressured into it!

Why did the pomegranate and the melon get married in a church?

Because they cantaloupe!

What do you call a lying pomegranate?

De-seedful!

What did one fruit say to another in an argument?

“Don’t take me for pomegranate!”

What is a cheerleader’s favourite fruit?

Pompom-egranate!

Why is pomegranate a stone fruit?

The clue is in the name – pome-granite!

What make-up should you wear to the Pink Pony Club?

Neighbelline!

What is a chicken’s favourite Chappell Roan song?

“Good Cluck, Babe!”

What did Chappell Roan call her cupcake company?

Baked in Manhattan!

What is Chappell Roan’s favourite sporting event?

The Red Wine Superbowl-a!

What is Chappell Roan’s Wi-Fi password?

Hot-Spot To Go!

Why couldn’t Chappell Roan perform Pink Pony Club?

She was a little hoarse!

What is Chappell Roan’s favourite time of day?

“After Midnight!”

How does Chappell Roan like to dress when she’s not working?

“Casual!”

Why does everyone want to work at the Pink Pony Club?

It’s stable employment!

What do you call a pop star who’s also a robot?

Chappie Roan!

What brand of home alarm does Chappel Roan use?

Pink Pony Chubb!

What was the zombie’s favourite Chappell Roan song?

“ROT TO GO!”

What do you call a glittery pink ghost?

Chappell Moan!