62 Christmas Cracker Jokes to Make You Merry in 2024!
Here's a load of hilarious jokes that will make you star of the Christmas dinner table!
As you open your Christmas cracker on the big day, you'll probably get a tissue party hat and a small gift, but you'll also hear a range of good Christmas cracker jokes round the table with family and friends. Let's be honest - they have a bit of a bad reputation, but we're here to fix that! Fill your stockings (well... your crackers) with these funny Christmas cracker jokes – the best Xmas cracker jokes you'll find outside of the North Pole!
With all that Christmas dinner, some Christmas pudding and all these jokes, will you have any more room for some one-liners, some guffaws and general hilarity? Of course! Like pudding, there's always room for more jokes! Our elves have some selected epic Christmas jokes and Santa jokes for you to enjoy.
So are you ready for a ton of Christmas howlers without pulling a cracker, wincing at the loud noise and watching the small-but-useful screwdriver set fly off into the distance? Let's go! Warning: your toes may curl at some of the punchlines.
1. What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
2. How did the torch feel when its batteries ran out?
De-lighted!
3. Why shouldn’t you barbecue on your roof?
The steaks are too high!
4. What do you call a vicar on a moped?
Rev!
5. What do you do if you're scared of lifts?
Take steps to avoid them!
6. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a computer?
Lots of memory!
7. What's a goalkeeper's favourite snack?
Beans on post!
8. What's a pirate's favourite type of YouTube video?
ASM-aaaaaarrr!
9. What do cats call an aquarium?
A sushi bar!
10. What did the pineapple say to the salad?
Lettuce be friends!
11. Where do penguins keep their savings?
In a snow bank!
12. I gave my parrot a cracker the other day.
Not sure it suited the paper hat though!
13. What was the snowman doing in the vegetable patch?
Picking his nose!
14. When is a turkey dinner bad for your health?
When you're the turkey!
15. Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks!
16. What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting!
17. What do you get if you cross a Turkey and a centipede?
Drumsticks for everyone at Christmas!
18. How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas turkey?
On the dark side!
19. What did the turkey say to the hunter on Christmas?
Quack, quack!
20. What do ducks do before Christmas dinner?
Pull their Christmas quackers!
21. What happens if you eat Christmas decorations?
You get tinsel-itis!
22. What did the big cracker say to the small cracker during the Christmas Eve dinner?
My pop is bigger than yours!
23. What do you sing at Santa's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!
24. What's a parent's favourite Christmas carol?
Silent night!
25. Who brings teeth gifts for Christmas?
Santa Floss!
26. How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
Merry Christmas to ewe!
27. Why didn’t the Christmas tree perform well on its algebra test?
It got stumped by all the questions!
28. How do you turn a Christmas tree into a reindeer?
You decorate it with HORNaments!
29. What should you never eat on New Year’s Eve?
Fire Crackers!
30. Knock, knock! Who's there? Mary and Abbie! Mary and Abbie who?
Mary Christmas and a Abby New Year!
31. What kind of androids do you find in the Arctic?
Snobots!
32. How does a Penguin build a LEGO house?
Igloos it together!
33. Why wouldn’t Ebenezer Scrooge eat at the pasta restaurant?
It cost a pretty penne!
34. What does Elsa put in Olaf's stocking for Christmas?
A lump of Cold!
35. Why did the desert animals get no Christmas presents last year?
Because the lion had sandy claws!
36. Why did nobody bid for Donner and Blitzen on eBay?
They were two deer!
37. Which Christmas carol do dogs like best?
Bark the Herald Angels Sing!
38. Did you hear about the cheesy comedian?
He had some crackers!
39. What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a duck?
A Christmas quacker!
40. Which one of Santa’s reindeer has the best moves?
Dancer
41. What do you call a cat who works for Santa?
Santa Claws!
42. How long are an elf’s legs?
Just long enough to reach the ground!
43. What does Santa spend his wages on?
Jingle bills!
44. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!
45. How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even!
46. What do you call Rudolph with tinsel in his ears?
Anything you want, he can't hear you!
47. Why didn’t Rudolph go to school?
He was elf-taught!
48. Where does Santa go when he's sick?
To the elf centre!
49. Why doesn’t Santa eat junk food?
Because it's bad for your elf!
50. Doctor, doctor! I’m scared of Father Christmas!
"You're suffering from Claus-trophobia!"
51. What reindeer has the worst manners?
Rude-olph!
52. Doctor, doctor! I've gone all crumbly, like a cheese biscuit...
You're crackers!
53. What do elves learn in school?
The elf-abet!
54. Who says "Oh, oh, oh"?
Santa walking backwards!
55. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Ice Krispies!
56. What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?
Stick with me and we'll go places!
57. Why is a broken drum an excellent Christmas present?
You can't beat it!
58. What do you call an old snowman?
A puddle!
59. How many letters are there in the Christmas alphabet?
25- there's no L!
60. Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him!
61. How does a Christmas tree keep its breath fresh?
Orna-mints!
62. What do you call Santa when he becomes a detective?
Santa Clues!
