290 Word Jokes That Are So Punny!

What was the robot's favourite author?

Anne Droid!

What is a yeti's favourite book?

Hairy Potter!

What do planets like to read?

Comet books!

What do you call a dinosaur who writes books?

A Brontë-saurus!

Why does an elephant use his trunk as a bookmark?

So he NOSE where he stopped reading!

I just finished this book about rock climbing...

It was a cliff hanger!

What vegetables do librarians love to eat?

Quiet peas!

What do you call a dinosaur who knows lots of synonyms?

A Thesaurus!

What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?

Two kilo mockingbird!

My friend says The Lord of the Rings is rubbish...

They don't know what they're Tolkien about!

Did you hear about the chef's accountant?

They were in trouble for cooking the books!

Why couldn't the writer board the aeroplane?

It was fully booked!

Did you hear about the book about anti-gravity?

You can't put it down!

Why did Dracula go to the library?

He wanted to sink his teeth into a good story!

What do you call a haunted author?

A ghost writer!

Why are hardback books never cold?

Because they wear jackets!

Why did the lion read a book in the wardrobe?

It's Narnia business!

Why was the math's book sad?

It had too many problems!

What's a cook's favourite book?

Fried and Prejudice!

Did you hear the joke about the damaged book?

Don't worry, it's tear-ible!

Why was the doughnut sad?

It felt empty inside!

What's the best thing to put in a doughnut?

Your teeth!

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi' jam in!

What did the tired doughnut baker say?

'I'm fed up of this hole thing!'

What's the healthiest part of a doughnut?

The middle!

Why did the doughnut go to the dentist?

To get a filling!

Why do golfers love doughnuts?

There's always a hole in one!

Why couldn't the teddy finish his doughnut?

He was already stuffed!

I really want to become a doughnut chef

But something is hole-ing me back!

What do you call a cute doughnut?

A-dough-able!

A Scottish man walks into a bakery and says 'Excuse me, is that a doughnut or a meringue?'

The baker says 'No, you're right, it's a doughnut!'

I hate jokes food with holes in it

I just dough not like them

Where can you buy doughnuts?

Hole Foods!

When do doughnuts make the best windows?

When they're double glazed!

What did the doughnut say to the trifle?

'Don't be jelly!'

What's a doughnut's favourite day of the week?

Fry-day!

Where was the first doughnut made?

In Greece!

Why do doughnuts, bagels and pretzels go to Disneyland?

It's fun for the hole family!

Why did the baker give up making doughnuts?

He wanted something with more dough!

What's worse than getting stung by a doughnut?

Bagel Bites!

What do you call a haunted Mardi Gras parade float?

A Boo Krewe!

Why do Catholics always run marathons the day after Mardi Gras?

Because that’s when they fast!

Where do bees go to celebrate Mardi Gras?

The Big Bees-y!

What do you call a roll of bread baked on Mardi Gras?

Let The Good Times Roll!

What brand of T-shirt should you always wear to Mardi Gras celebrations?

Fruit of Doubloon!

Did you hear about the time the Mardi Gras parade and the St Patrick’s day parade took place on the same day?

It was quite the O’Cajun!

What did one New Orleans Mardi Gras attendee say to the other?

“Can I bayou a drink?”

Which Disney film is all about Mardi Gras?

Beauty and the Beads!

Why did the king cake go to the dentist?

It had too many fillings!

What did Caeser eat at the Mardi Gras parade?

Etouffee!

What is the playing surface of the New Orleans Superdome called?

Mardi grass!

How do you describe someone who doesn't share their crawfish on Mardi Gras?

Shellfish!

What did the donut say when he decided to not go to the French bistro on Mardi Gras?

“Beignet, done that!”

What does an elderly New Orleans chef call his wife on Mardi Gras?

His Old Bae!

Have you read the new Harry Potter book about Mardi Gras?

It’s called “Fantastic Beads and Where To Find Them!”

What do you call a hamburger covered in beads?

A French Quarter pounder!

What kind of music do Mardi Gras beads like?

String quartets!

What did the king cake say to the fork?

“Wanna piece of me?”

What did Freddie Mercury say when someone offered him a sandwich on Mardi Gras?

“I’m just a po’boy, I need no sympathy!”

What do you call gumbo that doesn’t turn out very well on Mardi Gras?

Meaty okra!

I once saw a picture of children’s book author Theodore Seuss Geisel…

It had clearly been Doctored!

What do you call someone who watches you take a test while you wear a vest?

Proctor Seuss!

How did Dr. Seuss get home after the party?

He took a Who-ber!

What did Dr. Seuss call the book he wrote about Star Wars?

The Cat in the AT-AT!

How fast does the Grinch’s sled go?

Max speed!

What’s black, white and red all over?

The Cat in the Hat!

Why doesn’t the Grinch like knock-knock jokes?

Because it’s always Whos there!

What do you call a magician in a Dr. Seuss book?

Who-dini!

What does the Cat in the Hat wear to bed?

Paw-jamas!

What did Dr. Seuss order at the seafood restaurant?

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish!

Why is the Grinch such a good gardener?

He has a green thumb!

Which US city did Dr. Seuss live in?

Who-ston!

Did you hear about the robber who broke into a daycare and took all the Dr. Seuss books?

It was a nursery crime!

What did the Lorax say when the tree fell on him?

“I’m stumped!”

Man: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Dr Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

Where do the Star-Bellied Sneetches go when they’re sick?

To Dr. Seuss!

What is Dr. Seuss’s favourite band?

The Who!

What do you call a Dr. Seuss character with a medical degree?

Dr. Who!

What do you get when you cross Dr. Seuss with George Michael?

Green eggs and WHAM!

Did you hear that Dr. Seuss’s mother was a physiotherapist?

Her name was Ma Seuss!

I was going to give up meat for Lent...

But I couldn't quit cold turkey!

I'm giving up being cynical for Lent

We'll see how long that lasts!

I'm going to give up procrastination for Lent...

Eventually...

I gave up complaining for Lent..

It's the worst!

I'm going to give up spreadsheets next year before Easter...

It will be Exel-Lent!

I gave up cleaning the tumble-dryer before Easter...

For lint!

What plants should you give up before Easter?

SuccuLENTS!

Why is Rick Astley so bad at Lent?

He's never going to give you up!

This Lent...

I'm just giving up!

What's a Pokémon's favourite day before Easter?

Ash Wednesday!

What's like Ash Wednesday but hairier?

Tache Wednesday!

I'm giving up making jokes for Lent...

That's why there's no punchline!

I was going to give up go kart racing for Lent...

But I fell off the wagon!

Why can't you read a library book before Easter?

Because it's Lent!

I gave up calendars for Lent...

I'm not sure how many days I have left...

What's a tree's least favourite religious day?

Ash Wednesday!

What's the most appropriate food to eat before Easter?

Lentils!

Why should you run a marathon during Lent?

Because Lent is when you fast!

We decided not to eat any chicken products before Easter...

It was an egg shell Lent idea!

I'm determined not to break my promises to fast before Easter...

I'm going to be vigi-LENT!

What role do headteachers play in pantomimes?

The principal boy!

I used to have a job as the front of a pantomime horse...

I quit when I was a head!

Why does Dick Whittington have a beard?

His cat prefers Whiskers!

What's the scariest panto?

Ghoul-dilocks and the Three Bears!

Why was the Pantomime Dame sad?

His career was behind him!

What sort of pet does Aladdin have?

A flying car-pet!

A pantomime horse walks into a bar, and the barman says...

'Why the long faces?'

What do panto actors say when their laces get tangled?

'Oh no, it's knot!'

What do you call a Christmas show about knickers?

A PANT-omime!

What's Cinderella's favourite sweeties?

Chocolate buttons!

Did you hear about the actor playing the cow in Jack and the Beanstalk?

He really milked it!

Why did the panto villain refuse to fight?

He didn't want to make a scene!

Did you hear about the actor who didn't get the part he wanted in Snow White?

He wasn't Happy!

I went into a library and asked for a book about pantomimes

The librarian said 'It's behind you!'

Why was Snow White made a judge?

She's the fairest of them all!

What happened when the Dame kept falling through the floor?

It was just a stage she was going through!

Why do actors always give Christmas presents at pantomimes?

They want some stage presence!

Which panto always takes place in a chemists?

Puss in Boots!

A pantomime horse walks into a bar...

Twice!

Who stars in the fish version of Cinderella?

The Fairy Codmother!

Why did the comma, the colon and the full stop hire a lawyer?

They were due to be sentenced!

What happened when the lawyer sued the airline for losing his baggage?

He lost his case!

Why did the scarecrow become a lawyer?

He was outstanding in his field!

What does a lawyer add to his fizzy drink?

Just-ice!

What sort of cases do skeleton lawyers take?

Pro bone-o!

What do you call a lawyer with who's daughter is married?

A father in law!

What do lawyers wear to court?

Law suits!

What animal always breaks the law?

A cheetah!

What do you call a female lawyer?

Sue!

Why should law jokes be sent to jail?

Because they're so pun-ishing!

When does a lawyer make coffee?

When there is sufficient grounds!

Knock knock. Who's there?

I'm sorry, I can't answer any questions without my lawyer present

What do you call a lawyer who charges a lot?

Bill!

Why didn't Abraham Lincoln need a lawyer?

He was in-a-cent!

When I was accused of being a bad lawyer...

I couldn't defend myself

I used to be a lawyer....

But it lost its appeal!

What did the judge say to the dentist?

'Pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth!'

What happened when the lawyer farted?

The judge said 'Odour in the court!'

Where do lawyers live?

A legal pad!

Why did the judge send the pigeon to jail?

She was a flight risk!

Did you hear about the milk company CEO who was arrested for embezzlement?

Turns out he was skimming some off the top!

Did I ever tell you about the time I stole some milk that someone had left by their window?

It was ledge-end dairy!

Why does milk turn into yoghurt when you take it to a museum?

It becomes cultured!

Did you know that cows produce more milk when farmers talk to them?

It’s a case of “in one ear, and out of the udder!”

What do you call the greatest milk ever made?

Legendairy!

What kind of milk is used to make Swiss cheese?

Hole milk!

I love drinking 2% milk, but I always wonder…

What happened to the other 98%?

What sound does a cow make when it runs out of milk?

None… there’s udder silence!

Where does condensed milk come from?

Very small cows!

Astronaut 1: “I can’t find any milk for my coffee!”

Astronaut 2: “In space, no one can. Here, use cream.”

Why does a milking stool only have three legs?

Because the cow has the udder!

What comes first, cereal or milk?

Neither – it should be bowl first!

What do you call milk that gets given everything it wants?

Spoiled!

Which baseball player holds the milk?

The pitcher!

Why did the skimmed milk fail the test?

He only got 1%!

What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a cow?

A hare in your milk!

What do you get when you cross a duck and a cow?

Milk and quackers!

Cashier: “Would you like your milk in a bag, sir?”

Customer: “No, I’ll keep it in the bottle, thanks!”

What do you call a cow that’s stopped producing milk?

A milk dud!

Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?

It’s pasteurized before you know it!

Why don’t vegans eat chicken?

Because they contain eggs!

What’s the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer

A vegan is disgusted by a rack of lamb. A computer programmer is disgusted by a lack of RAM!

Did you hear about the vegan who refused to put vinyl flooring in her house?

 She heard there was laminate!

I asked my vegan friend for a ride the other day….

He doesn’t avocado!

What do you call a vegan post-punk band?

Soy Division!

What do you call a very strict vegan?

Lactose intolerant!

My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan…

 It was like I’d never seen herbivore!

Did you hear about the vegan house that caught fire?

Everything melted but the cheese!

How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two – one to change it, and the other to check the label for animal by-products!

Vegan 1: “Hey, try this sushi, it’s plant based!”

Vegan 2: “I don’t know, it seems fishy…”

Vegan 1: “Did you hear about this vegan protein powder? It’s made from chickpeas!”

Vegan 2: “Wow, no whey!”

Why was the vegan software developer fired?

She refused to kill bugs!

Why are vegans so nice?

They’ve got no beef!

A vegan once said to me that people who sell meat are gross…

I said people who sell vegetables are grocer!

Why did the vegan cross the road?

To prove he wasn’t chicken!

My rabbit is a vegan but he’s a bit of a hypocrite…

He has a fur coat he’s always wearing!

I’m not a vegan because I love animals…

I’m a vegan because I hate plants!

What’s the hardest part of going vegan?

Getting up at 4am to milk the almonds!

Why don’t most people go vegan?

They don’t carrot all!

What does a vegan zombie eat?

GRAAAAIIINS!

90 degrees is pretty hot for most people

But for mathematicians, it's just right!

Why is hot friendlier than cold?

Because heat waves but cold snaps!

I just bought a new hat with a built-in fan for hot weather

It really blows my mind!

My Dad was really proud of the chicken fence he put up for the chicken run

It was impeckable!

What time is it when a cow sits on your fence?

Time to get a new fence!

I walked into an electric fence

And the result was shocking!

Why do they put fences around cemeteries?

People are dying to get in!

What did one fence say to the other fence?

I like your stile!

How do you greet the cold horse across the fence?

Howdy Neigh - Brr!

How do you steal from a fence?

You picket's pockets!

Two morons are sitting on a fence. The big one fell off, why didn't the other?

He was a little more on!

Software architects should never design high security fences

They’re likely to make them highly scalable!

How big is the average fence?

Around a yard!

My friend found a deer stuck in a fence. It took him 3 hours, but he rescued it

He’ll do anything for a buck!

Jokes about fences...

Are borderline funny!

Why are Nintendo players afraid of the fence?

Because it stops animal crossing!

There's something I love about electric fences

But I can't put my finger on it!

What sort of ball doesn't bounce?

A snowball!

What sort of bike do you ride when it's cold?

an icicle!

What's the coldest thing you can eat for breakfast?

Frosted flakes!

What's the coldest food in Mexico?

A brrr-ito!

What do you call kids who live at the North Pole?

Chill-dren!

What are the coldest letters of the alphabet?

I C!

Why is it always so cold online?

It's the w-internet!

What do snowmen take when they're getting sick?

A chill pill!

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Chillyflakes!

How do you know if a snowman is made at you?

He'll give you the cold shoulder!

Why should you invite a fisherman to your parties?

To help break the ice!

What did the police man say to the snowman?

'Freeze!'

What do you call a snowman in summer?

A puddle!

Why should you always play your saxophone outside?

To make cool jazz!

How do snowmen make themselves beautiful?

With cold cream!

What do you call a snowman who steals?

A brrr-glar!

Did you hear about the sleeping snowman?

He was out cold!

What do snowmen eat for tea?

Ice burgers!

What's faster - hot or cold?

Hot - you can catch a cold!

Why didn't the snowman perform at the talent show?

He got cold feet!

Do you want to hear a joke about building sites?

Hold on – I’m working on it!

Why are building sites great places to make new friends?

They have such solid foundations!

What building site job are dogs great at?

Roofing!

Did you hear about the building site at Big Ben?

They’re working around the clock!

Why did the drill operator quit his job at the building site?

It was boring!

What do you hear if you take off a builder’s helmet and hold it to your ear?

The OSHA!

Which band is played the most on building sites?

The Carpenters!

My best friend drives a steamroller on building sites…

He’s such a flatterer!

Did you hear about the builder who had to quit when he couldn’t hold up scaffolding?

He handed in his too-weak notice!

Why was the builder acquitted on a robbery charge?

There was no concrete evidence!

What do nervous builders do?

Bite their nails!

Why should you be wary of building site job offers in Egypt?

They often turn out to be pyramid schemes!

I’m working on a construction joke…

I have to really build up the punchline!

Which country has the best building sites?

U-Crane!

I was gonna tell a joke about carpenters on the building site…

But I wasn’t sure it wood work!

Why are carpenters so good at their jobs?

They really nail it every time!

Why are building site parties so good?

They really raise the roof!

How many safety inspectors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five – one to change it, and four to hold the ladder!

Why do steelworkers love working onsite together?

It's riveting!

Why are nosy roofers so bad on building sites?

They’re always eavesdropping!

What do you a pencil with an eraser on both ends?

Pointless!

Pencils aren’t my favourite writing implements…

But they’re definitely Number 2!

When can’t a pencil write a cheque?

When it’s broke!

Did you hear about the man who showed up to a gunfight with only a pencil and paper?

He proceeded to draw his weapon!

Did you hear about the thief who stole all the pencils from the police station?

The police had no leads!

I won’t use a pencil on anything but paper…

That’s where I draw the line!

What do you call a pencil when you throw it?

I don’t know, but it’s certainly not stationery!

I’ve decided to ask a pencil to marry me…

I can’t wait for my family to meet my bride 2B!

Why didn’t the pencil get along with the pair of scissors?

Every time the pencil made a point, the scissors got snippy!

What did the pencil say to the pencil sharpener?

“Without you, life would be pointless!”

Why are pencils so good at debating?

They always have a point!

I was rejected by my dream art school because I used the wrong pencil…

It wasn’t 2B!

Why do pencils shave?

So they look sharp!

How do footballs travel?

By round-about!

Why don't tennis balls like noise?

They hate a racquet!

My friends are getting sick of me sharpening my pencil…

Really, I’m just trying to make a point!

Why should you never fall in love with a tennis ball?

To them, love means nothing!

Why shouldn't you play basketball in a court?

The judge won't like it!

What is a pencil’s favourite US state?

Pennsylvania!

Why couldn't Cinderella get to the ball?

Her glass shoes kept getting stuck in the mud!

What did one football say to the other?

'See you round!'

I was shocked to discover I was a basketball

Really threw me!

I used to go out with a baseball player...

But he chucked me!

What did the baseball glove say to the ball?

Catch you later!

Why are basketball players such messy eaters?

They're always dribbling!

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers?

In case he got a hole in one!

What can you serve but never eat?

A volleyball!

Why did the basketball player put the ball in a suitcase?

He travelled a lot!

Why was Cinderella so bad at team sports?

She kept running away from the ball!

Why was Cinderella so bad at football?

Her coach was a pumpkin!

Why are soccer, football and dodgeball the same game?

They're not, but they're in the same ballpark!

How do you know if a tennis player is upset?

They're balling their eyes out!

What do basketballs and doughnuts have in common?

They both get dunked!

What's a horse's favourite ball sport?

Stable tennis!

Why are bowling balls always so chill?

They just roll with it!

I finally hung up all of my pencil drawings…

But I’m worried it makes my house look sketchy!

Who’s the king of the pencil box?

The ruler!

What did the pencil say when it was cast in a Shakespeare play?

“2B or not 2B… that is the question!”

What’s the difference between a horse and a pencil?

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead!

Want to hear a joke about pencils?

Never mind… there’s no point!

How does the King like his cookies?

With Royal icing!

What do cookies say when they want to fight?

“Get ready to crumble!”

Why was the cookie so annoyed?

He had a chip on his shoulder!

What did the fruit cookie say to his parents?

“Thank you for raisin me right!”

Why was the gingerbread man locked out of his house?

He couldn’t find his cook-keys!

What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?

Chocolate chimp!

What’s the best thing to put into a cookie?

Your teeth!

Why did the baby cookie cry?

Because his mother was a wafer so long!

Where do witches bake their cookies?

In a coven!

How do basketball players take their cookies?

They dunk them in milk!

What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer?

Cookie doe!

Why couldn’t the Cookie Monster make his bed?

He couldn’t find a baking sheet!

What’s the main ingredient in a smart cookie?

Academia nuts!

I’m so sick of using the Internet…

I keep accepting cookies, and they still haven’t sent me any!

I tried to start an online bakery…

But I accidentally deleted all my cookies!

Why do Wookiees love cookies?

Because they’re Chewy!

What kind of cookie makes you rich?

A fortune cookie!

What do you a call a cookie who loves to steal?

A crook-ie!

When should you take a cookie to the doctor?

If it’s feeling crummy!

What did the cookie say to his wife?

“We’re a batch made in heaven!”

I couldn’t go to the office today because I had an eye problem…

I just couldn’t see myself working!

Why did the office employee keep an alarm clock under his desk?

He wanted to work over time!

What’s the worst thing about working in a paperless office?

When you have to go to the toilet!